Monday, April 27, 2009

ToTaLLy TaBoO Part-6

When Preksha opened the refrigerator to take out the pre-chopped vegetables, she was stunned to see a box of the internationally famous mango drink, exclusive to India, "Frooti" sitting on the very top shelf with a folded note atop it, bearing her name. She hadn't had a "frooti" for nearly a year. She felt her eyes beginning to moisten.

I'm sorry I was such an asshole. I'm sorry. I love you, with all my heart...but I just don't know how to take things forward. I feel helpless. Give me time, to bridge this gap...I will. All my love, your sadu.

Preksha's eyes brimmed over with salty tears and her nose began leaking in earnest too.

The thing you have to know about Preksha and her relationship with "Frooti" is this. She was brought up outside India, and on every trip to India, she would drink frooti till the moment she left. She loved it. She'd never tasted a drink as rich, sweet, flavorful and comforting. Or one that finished so quickly. unfortunately for her, there wasn't a single adult in her life apart from her cousin brother who indulged her. Well him and all the Air India stewards and stewardesses. Or cathay pacific. Whichever was applicable. Everyone claimed "frooti" was made from rotten mangoes. Vivid descriptions were given of the black gangrene like state of the mangoes used for manufacturing Preksha's favorite-est drink in the world but such was her love for it that nothing deterred her. She was 32 years old and till date, no drink made her feel as happy as frooti did. And since the time Rajat came to know of this odd love strengthened by earthly opposition, he made it a point to get her "frootis" everytime he went to the market. She never again had to buy her own. Anytime they fought, this was how he would make up. A Box of Frooti. Then, without even realising it, he'd stopped. And Preksha hadn't bought one herself since.

She ran her fingers along the soft juice box.
She re-read the note.

And wondered what she should do now.


Over the next few weeks...Rajat lightened his workload, went home early...way before dinner every night. He kept weekends free. He bought her flowers...bright daisies, gorgeous red roses, cute carnations, orchids...He got them just the way she liked them. No bouquet, no plastic covering, no ribbons...just paper...she loved to split them and rearrange them a few in each room, in beautiful bottles she had glass painted.

He helped her cook dinner. No matter how much she resisted...he'd help. He got her her favorite ice cream, french vanilla with Hershey's chocolate sauce. no nuts, no goddamned cherry. It was amazing, the way she smiled in surprise and pleasure when she saw pre-chopped vegetables or a crockpot of homemade spaghetti and garlic bread or her mother's recipe of chicken manchurian and chinese fried rice freshly cooked and kept ready.

He asked about her days, at work and otherwise. He lit candles and used the special china. He anxiously watched her face for signs of happiness. Occasionally he was rewarded.
He got her gifts and hid them in places he knew she'd find them...sometimes he left clues. The microwave contained a hardbound collector's edition of Calvin and Hobbes. He knew she loved it but didn't want to splurge. Behind the mirror he hid a membership to a Swimming pool nearby. She was a complete water baby.

He'd read that regular exercise would boost the release of endorphins aka happy hormones. He had read up everything he possibly could about Depression. What to do, what not to. How to be patient and never give up.

Tonight he wanted to ask her out on a date. But he was scared. He hadn't been out alone with her in a year almost. He had booked two tickets to the movie "dilli 6". Rave reviews apparently. He didn't want to be rejected.
He steeled himself and entered their bedroom.

"Um...P? I wanted to ask you something..."

"Sure...go ahead. Is everything alright?"
"Yeah...I mean, it will be, um...the thing is, I er...bought two for that movie you wanted to see...Gold class've wanted to try that out always and I thought maybe this Saturday we could go out...I could take you out and after the movie we could go for dinner to that meditteranean restaurant you so love just the two of us just us it'll be like old times and i've wanted to ask you for so long but I was worried you'd say no...". Rajat stopped at that, realising he was now babbling.


For the past few weeks, Preksha had been consumed with guilt. She couldn't fathom Rajat's unusual behaviour. It was so typical of the fates. The timing was all wrong. This was the way he used to be and the way he should never have stopped being. He was the Rajat she had fallen in love with. The one she had trusted her life with. He seemed He kept trying to make her happy in little ways...kept surprising her and getting her flowers just the way she liked them. He tried to help out with the housework so she wouldn't be too exhausted.

She found herself missing Nimish lesser.

She found herself wondering about what had brought the change and...reminiscing. About the old days. Which were revisiting their lives.
When he asked her out for a date...she was scared...and touched and she felt awful.

Was she being so terrible?

Her own husband was scared of her ?

To ask her out for a simple movie ?

Of course she wanted to go with him. She wanted to say "yes!"...but fear of being alone, outside with him...held her back.

He saw the hesitation in her face...

She saw the eager hope in his eyes...

She felt butterflies in her stomach.

A wave of immense love washed over her heart, for this man, who was trying his damnest.

And they had a movie date for the weekend.

ToTaLLy TabOo Part - 5


"Dude. I think my wife's having an affair.", mumbled Rajat.

"Why the fuck do you guys marry women if you can't be bothered to keep them happy?", yelled Nimish in the gym.

"What do you mean you guys, who else do you know who has...?", Rajat couldn't finish the sentence.

"It doesn't matter, the point is...if shes crying because of you, then you don't deserve to have her because you're not taking care of her. If she is so unhappy she is cheating on you, then it usually means you've stopped treating her the way she deserves to be treated and she is with someone else because that someone else is being nicer to her than you are.", explained Nimish now losing patience.

"What can I do now?", Rajat was nearly begging now.

"DUH. Win her back. You've done it before. Do it again. You can't stop treating her like shes special just because you're now married! Is that why you married her? So you don't have to keep up the courtship? So you've 'captured' the chick? I'm guessing there was a time she was the most important person in the world to you. God's special gift, sent to make life worth living. Isn't she anymore? Has being your 'wife' somehow made her less important? Less special somehow because she agreed to marry an ass like you? You know what, you're right, she deserves better... most Indian wives do, for that matter. ", Nimish was growing more passionate in his speech delivery by the minute.
He felt like slapping Rajat. Another asshole. Who'd rather spend time at the fucking gym than in bed with his wife. And then they complain about unfaithfulness.

"Besides, marriage is not all about providing material things for each other. Her cooking and washing your clothes or you fixing the washing machine when its acting up. ", continued Nimish.

"Oh and you know all about marriage do you? Never having been in one gives you a LOT of experience. Just like those people who have no kids but know best how to raise them...", retaliated Rajat, a bit bruised.

"No. There's a reason I don't want to get married. It's people like you. Who change so dramatically post marriage their own wives don't want to be with them any longer. Why should I drive some woman to despair? Once you get married, you take each other totally for granted. You stop holding hands or hugging or walking with your arms around each other's waists because of what society may say. You think of every tom dick and harry's flow of thought but you never once stop to think...that these little touches may mean the world to her. It's other people's cheap mindset that you care about. I've seen this happen so often....its pathetic. Grow a pair for God's sake. ", elucidated Nimish.

Rajat felt like someone had slapped him. Nimish's words struck a blow, and he felt like the air was sucked out of his very lungs. Nim may as well have been talking about him. But he couldn't help being shy. And he knew the cheap mindset of people. They'd call his wife a cheap slut! Especially these oldies. There was no way he could bear that. His girlfriend turned wife...deserved respect. One of the reasons Rajat never spoke about P to anyone of his own accord...for one thing it felt like showing off...for another...not everyone treated women with respect. ' Oh lucky dude...its been awhile since I got laid myself.' was an example for instance. He'd been serious about P from day one. Marriage serious. Not all guys were that way...they usually looked out to pass their time till their mummy chose a girl for them. At least he had had the balls to marry his girlfriend no matter what his family said. He loved her, that was all the mattered.

"Woo her dude. Its not so hard...girls...they're pretty predictable...just talk to her, show her you her best friend again. That's how it started out didn't it? Figure out where you went wrong. Take her out for dates, make love, oh yeah...don't forget flowers...give her a break from housework. Get her thoughful presents.", Nimish advised trying to be helpful.

"I haven't the time to woo a girl! I work ten hours a day!", Rajat complained.

" No one's got time. You have to make time for the one's you love. Don't you WANT to make time for her? Or you can just sit and watch her leave you. physically or emotionally. Speaking of which...when was the last time you made love? I mean really made love. Not wham bam Thank you Ma'am. Or took her out for a movie? Or dinner? you just let life get to you. You'd rather sit and sweat in the gym when you could be burning 300 odd calories in an hour in bed with your wife? Are you demented? Or just ignorant?", continued Nim.

"Food for thought. It's not that I don't want to make love. We used to be very passionate...I just don't know when...why...we drifted apart. We're always tired. And now...I don't dare. I don't want...I haven't looked into her eyes, directly, for a great many months. I'm scared.", mused Rajat loudly.

"Scared...or guilty? You don't want to see anger, or accusation or...indifference. But you have to look into her eyes...bearing love. The more love you give someone, unconditionally, the more love you recieve inevitably. One of the reasons I'm guessing people get married is because there will be that one person, at the very least, in this big, bad. often unfair and unkind world... who is there for us, who will protect us and not just physically, at any given time from the hard knocks life has to offer. You have to be there to make sure she's well supported. No matter how angry or upset you may be yourself...isn't that how the one's we love are different from the other general population?"

"Hmm...But what if she cries ALL the Live Long Day!!??", grumbled Rajat. "Then you talk to her. Find out why, find out what's bothering her. Take her to a psychiatrist...get some counselling. Depression is not a small thing, nor is it untreatable. But medications alone will not help. She'll need a lot of TLC. That part is upto you. ", Nimish gently counselled.

Depression was an up and coming illness, unfortunately it was quite taboo as it required going to a psychiatrist. But the treatments these days were good. He knew because after his father's death, his mother suffered from severe depression. Today she was hale and hearty...and as happy as it was possible to be, without one's heart, that is.

"TLC?", queried Rajat...feeling supremely ignorant.
"Tender, Loving Care.", elaborated Nimish.

"But what about the other guy?", Rajat asked, plucking up the courage.

"What about him? What's he done? Treated your wife better than you have? Is that so bad?", asked wary. And slightly guilty.

"If I knew who he was, I'd kill him. He stole my wife from me!!! And you're defending him?", asked Rajat, temper flaring.

"No. I'm not. But if he reached out to a woman in intense pain, if he is alleviating her grief, if he is making her realise she was indeed special, if he could bring a smile to her face and a twinkle in her eyes, if he is the reason for the spring in her step, the one who never lets a teardrop fall from her eyes, if he's the one doing all the little yet the most important things one human being can do for another...all the things YOU should never have stopped doing, can you hate him? If you truly love your wife, can you hate the one person who is a ray of sunshine in her otherwise bleak world?", Nimish justified, a bit guilty.

He felt sorry for Rajat...but knowing him, he could imagine how both he and his wife must be feeling. He wished Rajat well and hoped he would take heed now, sooner rather than later.


TLC it would be
...Rajat promised himself.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Totally TaBoO Part-4


The night Rajat came home and found Preksha missing was easily the scariest night of his life. There was no note, no indication of where she may have been. All he could find was a glass of half finished booze and a couple of sleeping pills. He rushed to the telephone and pressed redial. It was answered by the nurse on casualty duty at the nearby hospital. He asked if Preksha was there...and rushed over.

"Shes ok, she'll live, but shes shaken. We had to pump her stomach and that is a very stressful procedure, not just for the stomach. She'll be a bit woozy from whatever pills have taken effect but she will be fine eventually. All she needs is TLC. That and time and rest. And consult...No need to think of it as a Taboo...," The Doctor rushed to explain seeing the mildly shocked expression on Rajat's face. " Sometimes we have problems and feelings we cannot deal with...if there's someone, who is far more experienced than ourselves, who can help us with our problems...its smart to get help. ", continued the Doctor.

TLC? What was that? It was probably on the prescription pad...the chemist would know for sure. He took Preksha home. They never talked about it. He didn't ask why and she didn't offer an explanation. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. She had stop thinking of him as her best friend long ago.

The next day she seemed cheerful. Neater, cleaner, more like her old self.

He always felt she was unhappy because of him. He spent one year trying to get her to fall in love with him...He always wondered if she felt she'd compromised in choosing him as a mate. She was so much better than him in so many ways. The day he convinced her to marry him, seemed like the best day of his life...correction, the day she married him was the best, he felt he could rest easy now. Breathe, heave a sigh of relief. Be himself...and not the modern version of Romeo that he'd become. He loved her, now they were together and wouldn't be apart for the next seven lifetimes...and if they kept repeating the same vows then for the rest of their rebirths! Ha!

He was not a romantically expressive guy. She was his first girlfriend. And his last. He was not unfaithful to her. He really loved her with all his heart. He just didn't know how to show it in any new ways anymore. He was all for giving her beautiful flowers, taking her on dates, making love till they were exhausted and couldn't keep their eyes open and their bodies were limp and relaxed...He did all he could to make her happy. But sometimes when they were out in public, and she took his hand, or linked her arm through his, he was uncomfortable. You never knew who would be watching. When they were in a group too, he never sat close to her, or touched her in anyway, or talked to her in a way that could be considered anything but friendly. No hint of the passion they shared in bed. It always upset her. She didn't understand his reticence. His extreme shyness. He wasn't half as bold as she was. Besides, what was the need to show the world what they meant to one another? What did the world care anyway? It didn't make a difference to him what couples world over were doing to each other in public.

Things changed after marriage. Managing a job, the house, their got to him at the end of the day when he felt exhausted. And unable to stomach her statements of loneliness. Not that she mentioned it to him anymore. What was to be lonely about...? He hadn't gone anywhere had he? He wasn't leaving her for someone else, he wasn't cheating on her, he managed their finances well, he didn't curb her or restrict her in any way, certainly he didn't hit her! What did she want? He sometimes felt he had failed her. If it wasn't for the fact that he knew how big she was on integrity, he'd be worried about her leaving him.

She was a good wife. No doubt. Attentive to his every little need. Cooking food as per his tastes, tolerating his fussy nature, packing his tiffin. He had never asked her if she took a tiffin to work. He had no idea. She took care of his clothes, his family and his home. Of him. Laid out his clothes everyday for work, his shorts when he came home. Gave him his meds when he was sick, made his chicken soup when he had a cold, wiped his nose, cleaned his vomit. He brought home the groceries, the vegetables, set the table for dinner, helped with the cleaning, They had an equal marriage. The zing, the passion had diminished.

Didn't that happen eventually anyway? In any marriage?

He often worked weekends too and in any case, she was always either asleep or in the bathroom. He yearned for her touch, but now, sometimes, he was afraid of her. He was worried of touching her, only to see...withdrawal. He seemed to have caused too much pain. Let too many tears fall without making an effort to wipe them off. It was her, all her, why did she cry so damn much? Her tears caused him unbearable pain initially, but only annoyed him. His heart seemed to have gone cold. There was a time when he heard her cry, he cried too. He used to catch her tears before they fell.

Now he just ignored them. Ignored her.

Of course he did hate himself later. For a bit. A short bit. What was the point then anyway? His harshness would only aggravate her sadness. He never knew the right thing to say at the right time. If you can't help something, don't aggravate it.

Of late she was happy. She was cheerful, even though he didn't get to see much of it being busy at work and even on weekends.

There were flowers at home. He didn't get them. She said she bought them to add a dash of colour to the house.

She hummed.

Rajat knew it wasn't him.

Was he losing her?

To whom?

Did it even matter? The whom? The where, when, how many times... what difference did it make anymore?

It was the why, that needed looking into.

He thought she couldn't live without him. turned out she had started a whole new life without him. She would leave him, not only far behind but for good. Could he live without her?

He hadn't considered it so far. Should he?

Could he win her back?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

TotaLLy TaBoO Paaart- 3


Everytime Preksha smiled, his heart jumped for joy. He knew she was married and thought her husband was an insensitive asshole. How could any man bear to see, or even see, let alone be the cause of...those lovely eyes sad.

When Preksha was sad, or happy, you could see it in her eyes. Anything she was feeling, was clearly there for everyone to see. She never really bothered to hide her feelings, probably not the best thing to do or the most tactful. But she was honest. And it was just as well no one really bothered looking into anyone's eyes anymore. Those eyes could speak volumes and he could read forever. Sometimes, words were not needed.
When he first saw her, in the office, there were no fireworks. There were no songbirds chirping around his head or violins stringing their songs.

Truth be told, He didn't even take a second look.

It was only a few months into the job, that he noticed her. She was always, always alone.

She ate her lunch alone, took her coffee break alone, she rarely talked to anyone regarding anything outside of work. And her eyes, behind her glasses, were sad. Flirt he maybe, in the office...but it never went beyond that. She wore shapeless clothes, designed to camouflage her figure. There was always something wrong about her person. A stain on her dress, a button missing, an old pair of shoes, never any jewellery. Sometimes she wouldn't comb her hair. She had lovely hair, a stunning mass of thick black waves which she never left loose. Once he chanced to see it when he entered the coffee room. She had unpinned it and was massaging her temples and nursing a cup of espresso...and obviously a terrible headache. Somedays she would wear the same outfit two days running.
And then one day, he noticed her crying. The entire time she was at work. No one noticed. She didn't bawl like a baby, but it was just, quiet tears. Drip, drip. Wipe. Drip and discreet wipe. She never wore makeup so smudging it was not a problem. She spent two hours out of eight in the coffee room. Crying. When he asked her if she was OK, she didn't answer. She had never looked this sad in all those months. He was worried. It didn't matter to him that no one else noticed. The world was callous. He wondered what could be so wrong...maybe a fight with her husband...correction, a huge fight. She looked low everyday anyway. He wondered what would help.

Perhaps a flower.

A daisy...they were so cheerful. Bright yellow centres, bound to make you smile. A note, telling her to be happy. At least she would know someone was there to talk to.

She came back the next day. They became friends. And then a month later, more.

It was two months later that she told him, his small gesture had saved her life. Literally.

She took much better care of herself now. Always well dressed, polished, more importantly, bearing a smile that reached her eyes. She stunned the office the next day...she had been hiding behind a wall, afraid of looking good...being her best. And no one cared to see beyond her fine features. No one saw beyond the obvious, beyond sometimes...flashy.

Turned out she was all that too! Who knew?!

He loved taking care of her. Sharing his lunch with her. Eating her delicious lunch. She was an excellent cook, there was no doubting that. Getting her coffee, taking walk breaks. Being her friend. Bringing her back to life.

He wondered how her fool of her husband failed to notice the death of their little he cared...? What could be more important than putting a smile on the face of your beloved? Putting money in your bank account? Which was more important, more essential to life...? Food on one's plate, or joy in one's heart? What was the point of a full belly and tearful eyes? The combination makes life worthless.

When he took her out on dates, and just took her hand, her eyes glowed with happiness. It seemed all she wanted, was an acknowledgement, that she was loved...perhaps it was that acknowledgement that had gone out of her marriage. Often happened. She spoke about her husband, but never mentioned his name. That would have brought him to life, as if he wasn't a glaring light in their relationship as it was.

She spoke of him in a remniscent manner, as if he was no more. In a sense, He wasn't. He wasn't the man she'd married. Or the one she'd fallen in love with. Or the one who promised never to be the cause of a tear in her eye. Or the one who promised to take care of all her problems, anything that fell into her lap. The one who promised never to take her for granted or try to change her. Never to restrict her in anyway. To listen to any and everything she said. It was another thing that she didn't say much.

"Har koi pyaar ke liye bhookha hota hai, usey jahaan bhi pyar milta hai, chala jaata hai."
[Everyone is hungry for love, whereever they get it, they go.]

That was the only reasonable excuse to justify what they were doing. Their relationship. What it was worth, was something only they knew and understood. They didn't feel the need to justify themselves to anyone. There was no point. She had no friends and he...well he did have a few close friends...only one of whom was married...a gym buddy of sorts. He'd never met his wife...he talked about her a lot, but never took up Nimish's suggestions for a get together...maybe he was embarassed by her...maybe she was fat or ugly... Even he didn't know.
Nimish wondered why marriages went this way...perhaps he would ask Rajat.

ToTaLLy TaBoO Paart-2

One year ago :

"I'll be late home P, don't wait up...", said Rajat calling from the office.
"Fine.", mumbled Preksha, resignedly. There were to be no more fights, no more Whys, no more I'm lonely. Her job kept her busy too, but for the past year she had been sinking into a depression that was so deep and so strong it was sucking her in like quicksand. Beyond suggesting craft classes, Rajat had done nothing. He didn't take her seriously.
This night was different. She was glad he was going to be late.
She poured herself a tumbler of neat Whiskey. She laid out her pills. A sip. A swallow. A pill. This was how it was going to be for the next 45 minutes.

Maybe that would take care of the pain, this pain no one but she could see, could feel, had to live with. Day in and day out. This loneliness. Despite being with someone, with a husband...being alone. Marriage fucked it all up. Made you too available. Marriage and commitment. Even being committed to someone, made you a slave to their wishes. You stopped doing what pleased your heart, in case it displeased him. Or her.

Either way, it was like hitting a wall. Being single, being alone, being chased...that had its own thrill. Maybe there was no security, but at least, she'd felt wanted. Desired. Rajat would make any and every excuse to meet her, be with her...he would ask her to make excuses to meet him. He would drive down two hours just to see her and get a hug, when they were in different colleges. Then she moved to his city and all that stopped. Gradually. Sometimes it felt like she was the one who kept nagging him to meet her, to be with her. Of his own accord, it didn't seem that she was worth his precious time. He was busy now. Had an important job, good pay, his dream come true. She wondered if she was a part of his dreams anymore. She wondered if he even thought about her anymore.

She wondered, if he could live without her now? He had his family, his friends, none of whom she had anything in common with. When they got together with them, She was bored out of her skull. No one was interested in hearing her speak. They had old connections and ties and got along fabulously...most of the time she wondered why she bothered? It made Rajat happy to see her mingle with his loved ones. Even if no one would miss her if she wasn't there.

Fifteen minutes and six pills later... she raised her head and her eyes fell on the bright daisy she had put into a glass bottle. It was on her desk, in the office, with a single note saying : Beautiful, kind, sad, cinnamon Doe eyes ... please smile.

Nimish, the perpetual flirt. Who would've thought him capable of such sensitivity. Who would've thought his vision acute enough to see beyond her deliberately frumpy looks? Who would've thought him worthy of friendship ?

Maybe she wasn't the world. Just to her husband and family. She took the flower out of the jar. Twirled it in her fingers. With their short nails. Unpolished. Rajat hated that. Somehow it was always about Rajat. She'd tried so hard to please. And she was getting tired of trying. She wasn't good looking enough for him anymore. She had let herself go. Somedays she wouldn't shower or comb her hair. An advantage of having long hair...just push it back and tie it up. But she was rambling now.

Maybe she would give him a chance. Maybe she would give life a chance. Maybe she would Live.

She dialed the emergency number. Rajat wouldn't worry if she was late.

Not really anyway.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

ToTaLLy TabOo. Part - 1

Totally Taboo. A short story I wrote, in 7 parts. Something I'd like to share. Your opinions mean everything to me, and I hope you'll oblige, by reading...I'm trying to make it in short pieces, so it's easier to read through quickly.


Preksha wondered how she let it happen. It was so not like her, in fact, it was one of the things she held in severe contempt. Extramarital affairs of course. It just felt good.

To be treated like a queen. To be wined and dined like a lady. To be thought of as someone to be "won" over as opposed to a doormat, or a tail.
She had become quieter in her marriage of 2 years. 4 years if you counted courtship. People said love marriages didn't work out and she was starting to believe these people. Whoever they were.

She gave her hair one last brush, checked her reflection in the mirror next to the door, put on her thousand buck shoes and stepped out into the sunshine. She had a movie date. Nimish was waiting for her at the multiplex and had already bought the tickets, Preksha was nearly late.

Nimish liked to take her on dates, even though they were both in their early thirties. They behaved like two teenagers as they greeted each other with hugs and squeezes. The minute the theatre lights were dimmed, Nimish gently took hold of her hand. leaned close to her ear and whispered, " You look beautiful. I really missed you."
Preksha smiled to herself. Noticing how she looked, was just one of the things keeping her with Nimish. That and the fact that he missed her. With Rajat she wondered if he would even realise she was gone.

From their house, from his life, from their almirah, from their bed.
The bed.

She had left that a long time ago. He was just too busy to notice. To realise that she was purposely asleep before he got into bed...or else she was feigning sleep. If nothing else, she would linger too long in the bathroom, waiting till she could hear his even, steady, deep breaths indicating he was asleep. Sex, if it every chanced to occur, was perfunctionary. No longer was it the prolonged lovemaking of their courtship, where they couldn't wait for a chance to be alone, they couldn't get their hands off each other. A thigh, a breast, an arm, a cheek, a long as one part of their body was touching one part of the other's, their hunger was temporarily sated. Till they reached their bedroom and would ravish each other in earnest, unabashed, not ashamed of their fierce hunger.

No more.

Nimish always bought her flowers. It could be a single red rose, or five carnations, or a beautiful bunch of dahlias, or a boquet of lilies. They met just once a week. Twice if lucky. She seemed to live for these days and yet they left her feeling guilty and wistful. Why had Rajat changed? When had he stopped seeing her as a woman with needs, with desires and with hunger? Why was she out with someone else? Who was this man holding her hands like they were flowers? Why was she laughing at this movie with this man? why was she letting this man touch her?

Which was the greater wrong? Nimish touching her body? Nimish touching her heart? Preksha enjoying his touch? Wanting it as much as she needed to breathe?Either way. she wanted him. He had brought her back to life. Literally. But that was another story.

Another day.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

comment please!

pls read the following posts, they are older and in two parts 1 and 2...but i'd love to discuss what you think on the subject!

Monday, April 13, 2009


This post is in reply to, and inspired by this post. Please go here first and it will undoubtedly strike a chord in your heart. Then come here.



the Future.

Good people,





They are

what we will

teach them

to be.

They are

the ones,

the only ones...

who can make

the world

a better place

to live in.

They have that power.

And it's best

they don't know it.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

WaNtEd : A Friend.

Friday, April 10, 2009

ToRn Up...and giggling!

My Mom just left for home. Where my dad is, across an ocean. And I may fight with her and not get along. But She's the one, in my life, in this world, I love above all. Above everyone, even my Dad or sister. There is NO question. And everytime I leave for India or she leaves from India, basically whenever we part for a duration of more than a month... I cry and cry unabashedly. I miss everything about my Mom including her constant nagging. I literally bawl like a baby till I fall asleep.

"Don't go"
"I don't wanna go!"
"I Hate college!"
"Don't leave me!"
"No NO!!!"

This time though, there is an element of the ridiculous I'm going to write about.
My mother's lugguage.

Air Arabia permits 30kgs worth of baggage. My mom's suitcase was nearly empty...for a reason. She'd made v.important plans to fill it up. Way before she'd even arrived in India.
This is what she carried with her. Abroad. Apparently she's not alone.

- Arhar [yellow] daal [2kgs]
- Channa [split gram] Daal [2kgs]
- Rajma [2kgs]
- Urad Daal [2kgs]
- Parval [vegetable- 2kgs]
- Karela [Bitter gourd- 2kgs]
- Homemade biscuits [1KG!]
- Special Agra Moong daal [1 KG!]
- Repaired Pressure cooker.
- Field fresh Rice[3kgs]
- 5 Stitched suits
- Sweets [DUH]

hmm...Everytime I look at this list, and remember my mom asking me to repeatedly weight her suitcase to see if there was room for more stuff...I stop crying and begin giggling. I must be going mad!
"Kuch aur daal dete hain? Hain? Jagah hai?"
[Can we add something more? Is there room?]

She's the best!

Thursday, April 09, 2009

RespectFully YoUrS :

This may strike many as wierd [me] but I’m not one of those people who respect people by default. Meaning that you will not be worthy of respect just because you were :

- born before me.[even like...decades before me.]

-or after me.

-are rich



-well “qualified”

-run your own company

-are my employer

-are a relative

-or of the law

-own a coffee shop or are a barista [I'm talking business.]

you get the general drift…

when I was a child, my mom used to tell me, [no, yell at me] to respect my elders…and I’d always ask…”why?”…I mean…look at them…

they are rude to people considered menial [the usual...autowalas.kaamwalis,karabiwaleee...]

they are rude to their employees

they would rather gamble away their money than give it to charity [I'm big on charities].

they don’t take children seriously.

Hell they often don’t take their own spouses seriously.

they say one thing and mean another.

they commit aldultery.

they are hypocrites.

they chew with their mouths open.

they interrupt you when your talking or in mid sentence.

they lie blatantly [about children's marks, qualifications and etc.]

they are arrogant.

they think just because they are good looking they are “it” and everyone elses “shit” .

they don’t apologize for causing someone else hurt, pain or their tears to flow.

they don’t give a rats puny arse about the poor and needy .

they are judgemental despite their ignorance and they don’t even want to understand…the truth.

they are often unkind.

without compassion.

I’m sorry my disdain shows on my face mom…but they’ve done nothing worth respecting. Sure they go and work hard, but they’re not alone in doing so. Thats not enough. Respect is a HuGe thing, you have to earn it. No child respects by default… You had no role to play in being born before me, that was all your parents doing…why would i respect you for that? Be a good human being. That alone is worthy of respect.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


I Love presents! Especially meaningful presents...wherein a lot of thought has gone into what the gift should be...Because although I ALWAYS appreciate the thought...the simple fact that someone has thought of me and spent money and/or time on trying to make me feel good...

Why the whole presents blog?

Well I got my first ever PAYCHECK! And I couldn't stop staring at it. And even before I'd recieved the cheque, I had gifts picked out for those important to me, or my life.

So I got presents for My mom, My next door neighbour aunty without whose support it'd be real tough living alone in a city like New Delhi, Then my little sister far away in college, My better half [cum best pal cum BF] and his older sister [whom I promised I'd love the same way I did my own little sis and I do too.]...

Silk organza Cream and gold V.Fancy B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L Dupattas for the four ladies and for my buddy... the Computer Geek...a New laptop cooling stand cum adjustable desk and A Black keyboard for his Desktop Pc. Its a surprise and I hope to goodness they all like...well...everything.

The best part about giving gifts is when you get to see the "ooHs and AAhs!!" and happy smiles on people's faces.

There are others, also v.important to me, but Far...So For them, A big THANK YOU...for all your love, care, support...and help. Thanks for making me feel great about everything especially when the chips are down...! This includes all the people who read AND Comment on my blog...even the lovely new people...Thank you! :o)[because it keeps me going...]

Monday, April 06, 2009


Here are a few things that make me smile :

- A good book.
- A decent sitcom.
- Ice lollies in the rain.
- A genuine compliment.
- Comments on my blog! [make me smile!]
- Flowers from my better half.
- A genuine apology.
- A good heart to heart with a friend.
- A deliciously long kiss! [dizzy smile.]
- Someone thanking me for helping them feel better.[in the hospital.]
- My parents praising me behind my back.
- A cup of hot, strong coffee.
- My dog welcoming me home, waiting for me by the door and hugging me and laughing and climbing into my lap for a cuddle.
- Mom's homemade food.
- Thoughtfulness.
- Kindness.
- Politeness.
- Use of the words : please, sorry and thank you.
- A tight hug.
- Someone thinking of me, missing me. Be it a friend or someone more.
- Amusement park rides!
- Watching fish swim, play.
- My better half needing me. For a hug, a squeeze, advice, help or more.
- Someone complimenting my cooking.
- When my Better half overeats something I cooked and then has to undo his jean's button.
- Books for sale!!
- Being able to easily slip into clothes which were previously ugh tight as hell.
- Watching my weight drop.
- Understanding a new concept in medicine.
- Watching someone's reactions [positive] after I gift them something...

Sunday, April 05, 2009

MuTuAL DissAtiSfAcTiOn.

The BF and I went on a date yesterday! YaY! Since we were both tired, we went for lunch after booking our movie tickets [ The BF recieved complimentary couple tickets from work for excellent performance! Kudos Sweety!]. We went to Nirula's for pizza since he's constantly raving about them. While the BF went to freshen up in the wash room I observed the couple in front of our table.

From the conversation [they were LOUD!] it was clear that they weren't a long time couple. They were here at their parent's behest, to "meet" to decide if they wanted to marry each other.

They weren't in the least bit interested in meet or marrying each other. The girl wasn't anyway. She sat leaning way back in the chair, arms folded across her chest, dressed like a slob. Foot jiggling, hands constantly fiddling with her earrings, mumbling hmmm, the guy earnestly tried to explain How many people his family business was actually divided among.

"My uncle, thats my Chachaji and Tauji and my father. Actually he was a friend of my cousin [from my chacha's side] and thats how...Blah blah gobbledegook and then some more."
No wonder she wasn't interested.

"My Ex-Girlfriend, she had that...". Thats right...give her visions of you and your ex. That'll make her want to be your current.

"I don't know anything about Nirula's...Its my first time here." L-I-A-R! If you're a delhite, you've been there. Even if you are a rich is obvious with your fat gold rings, ralph lauren polo shirt with the first few buttons left undone to display your testosterone bearing chest hair, your clanking gold [24carat] chains and your Tommy Hilfiger watch.

All this while the girl is constantly checking her watch. Bad manners yes, but what else is one to do when time passes so painfully slowly?

And the high point was when they both looked like the couple in the above picture.

Meeting a fella to decide if you want to marry him is pretty painful. No doubt. I'm sure its no less agonizing for guys too. That would explain the nervous babbling...the unforgivable questions put to the girl [How much is your salary?] or the careful, tactless judging the housekeeping potential of the future wife [What can you cook best?] or the job situation [Will you be wanting to work after marriage also?] or the living location [you will be going to my village in east Bihar for 6 months after that I'll be picking you up. My parents are there only na. We will all live together in my house here.].

Whew. Am I ever glad I don' t have to go through that!

Friday, April 03, 2009

HoNeYmOoN TrAvELs And MoRe!

Awhile ago, the BF and I were out for dinner with friends. Single, unmarried friends. As always, the talk turned to marriage [I know, I'm full of it right now.] and the partial loss of individual freedom that comes as a downside to married life. They each said they wanted to do things, visit places before they got "Tied Down."

I remember feeling that way. Especially since the only tourist spots I've been to ever, is Hong Kong and that too since Dad was posted there and we were given 3 months school vacation due to the gulf war. [1989]. And a 5 day trip to Kerala in college. My better half has been around with his family. Thats something I've always wanted to do...And I mentioned my feelings to the BF in the initial days of our courtship...I said I wanted to go places, and he said " I want to be the one to take you to those places. Won't you have more fun with me around? I'll take care of you...I want to show you all kinds of fascinating things..."

That was the sweetest thing and I've never ever felt that I'd be tied down by marriage since he said this. I don't have a clue who the couple in this picture is, but they sure do look happy together. And He was right...with him taking care of me and showing me all over, I wont have to worry about things like keeping the tickets ready, not losing things, hotel reservations, carrying the lugguage etc...[I can see to other things]. But the point is, Two's company!

Admittedly we also decided that we'd give each other freedom for boy's/girl's nights out. Or for biking trips across the country with "guy" friends. That's ok too. As long as we manage to spend quality time together and with the family too. Everyone needs downtime. Too much time in each other's company can just drive one nuts eventually. Plus we'll need new things to talk about!'s important. No doubt once kids arrive, and other family obligations too increase exponentially post marriage, we get tied down, a lot. But it's important to make time for yourself, alone and as a couple...otherwise you, and you both, will get lost and exhausted and will one day look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.