Wednesday, June 24, 2009

For the Children Of alchoholics.

Of late, there have been around me, increasing stories of alchoholics and their marriages to ordinary, naive, stupid, smitten women who don't have an ounce of common sense. Maybe their brains cease to function and that is why they cannot see beyond these smooth talking people.

My better half pointed out to me, that generally I'm a tolerant, polite, nice person who tries her hardest to see and show the best in people, Even in people I dislike. He and I were both surprised and stunned at my vehemence regarding alchoholics and addicts. He is against them being involved with a family member too...but not as violently as I am. He asked me if they weren't human? Didn't they too deserve happiness? A family?

I was baffled at my intolerance. After many, many conversations regarding this topic it turned out there was a damn good reason for my anger at addicts.

In my psychiatry posting in college, I admitted many addicts. Not one of these came of their own accord. Not one Admitted to a problem. Half of them had undergone deaddiction programmes before and currently relapsed, half of the rest were new and the other half referred from another hospital. Ask any of them the standard question of "what seems to be the problem that brought you here?" and there was a standard reply, " Nothing. These people think I have a problem, I'm totally fine."

These people were their family. Wives, children, parents, relatives. Who had seen enough and tolerated enough and tried enough on their own. Beaten up wives and messed up children. Broken homes, broken hearts, shattered souls
An estimated 6.6 million children under the age of 18 years live in households with at least one alcoholic parent. For more alchoholism related statistics go here.

They are human beings. No doubt. But they are ill. Ill in a way that, 95% of the time, they cannot help. Literally cannot help. Addiction is a sickness. Even a drop of alchohol after a Deaddiction programme, is enough for a relapse. They cannot help it, they don't know how to stop.

And while that doesn't make Alchoholics and addicts less human, they are still adults. It is their problem. If another man/woman falls in love with them, believes their claims which range as follows :

I only drink occasionally now.
Even one peg goes straight to my head and makes me drunk.
I have strong will power.
I will stop it for you.
I have stopped because of you.
Beer doesn't do anything.
I will change after marriage.
It's only because i'm lonely.
and etc.

...if other men/women are stupid enough to believe them because they are lonely, they want to feel loved, or feel they can "save" an addict or the addict is otherwise handsome/beautiful/charming/rich/qualified/smart etc...if these people are blinded in infatuation so much so they are willing to marry these addicts and live with them thats ok too.

What is not ok then?

It's not ok, when these people, this couple, decides to have children.
They have no right...when they are so messed and unsure of their own selves...that they don't know when they will relapse next...they have no right to bring innocent children into this world.
Two adults getting married is by choice. They can undo it, get divorced if the addict turns into a beater or abuser or relapses.
But children do not get a choice. They do not get to choose the family they are born into. They have to live with the consequences, with an addict as a parent.
The world is hard enough to live in as it is. Even with normal, well balanced is a hard life. Imagine how much worse it is with one or more parent who is messed up. Who are unstable themselves. How can they provide any semblance of stability for their kids?

To read about the suffering of children of addicts and alchoholics please go here.

Children are innocent and extremely sensitive creatures. They are dependent on us, their parents. To give birth to one, to make a baby, another human an enormous responsibility. A grave responsibilty. A decision that cannot be taken in a giggly, romantic moment. Carelessly. They trust us with their lives.

How can we betray them by bringing them into this world when we are so messed up ourselves? When we cannot guarantee that we won't touch a drop of booze or snort a line of coke or shoot something up our arms.

If a woman marries someone who is an alchoholic/ex alchoholic/relapsed/addict/ex addict/someone making smooth but probably false promises/still trying to recover/ etc etc...just for her own selfish reasons, imagined love or infatuation, then they have successfully taken the first step towards being a terrible mother.

If an addict, a known addict, even an ex addict with relapses etc, agrees to father a child...he is on his way to becoming a bad father.

The children of addicts don't respect their parents. Either of them. They grow up hostile and insecure among other things. They have a high chance of drug abuse themselves, apart from depression and social issues. They have few friends or many, many friends. They spend their lives dealing with these issues. Female children often end up marrying a man in their alchoholic father's image. In India Divorce is still Taboo. SO what then? They think children will solve the problem. So they reproduce.

Read more about the whole issue

There are no guarantees in life. Normal people may become addicts after marriage.
But tell me something...
Isn't there a huge difference, between choosing to marry someone you KNOW has a problem and marrying someone whose problems you know nothing of. After marriage their issues may come as a shocker.
But to knowingly "jump into a well?"...
How can a person do that?

The adults I don't give a damn about. They deserve their fate, they made their choices. But their unborn or soon to be born kids have no say whatsoever. They wouldn't make such a lousy choice. One that will fuck up the rest of their lives.

More about alchoholic's kids here.

Addicts are experts at deception. Experts. Smooth liars. They have to be. It's upto you to be wary.

Afterword: It makes my heart and mind sick. And since I couldn't sleep thinking about this, I blogged. And cried. For all those little children. The huge gap between posts was because I couldn't bring myself to write anything else. I had to get this out. I don't mean to offend anyone. I admire the addicts who remain clean. I know the courage it takes. Not everyone can do it. Thats the trouble.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

This is how I love.

Dedicated to the Stuart Little in my life.
[With all of the love a little Margalo is capable of.]

I love you so
that Tears in your eyes
cause mine
to blur too.

When you light up
and drag the smoke deep
My lungs turn to coal
my chest tightens too.

A harsh word from you
that cold shoulder?
breaks my tiny heart,
slaps my crestfallen face.

We meet when you please,
It hurts to have no say,
waiting is agony,
our time e'er constrained.

When I'm second place,
my feelings runners up,
To be less of a burden,
I know why your back aches.

I listen to you simply
because what makes you happy,
is always above all,
my joy lies in your laughter.

Haven't you realised yet?
I notice what matters to you,
your opinions mean the world
I listen, I notice, I do.

I yearn for a hug,
a loving look,
a playful nudge,
footsie under the table.

When you spend a penny,
it pinches my wallet.
When you have a cold,
its my nose that sniffles.

When you stand up for me,
I feel less alone.
When life is a burden,
you make me whole.

Your sleepless nights,
cause shadows 'neath my eyes.
Your troubled days,
leave me in great distress.

For me you are foremost,
what makes you happy
above me,my ego and pride.
Don't you see it yet?

Am I not worthy of
more than stolen moments?
Am I not to be put,
first, above all,sometimes?

I do not fear you dying,
your breath and mine are one,
I need not love you more
After you pass on.

I know you don't know why,
Maybe I will tell you
When your heart beats it's last,
mine stops ticking too.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Time and again!

Time for granted?

I hate people who take others for granted. I really do. Let me illustrate with digusting examples.

Scene one :

A couple loves the way you cook a particular dish. They specifically requested it when they invited themselves over to your place for dinner. Seeing as how they were only in town for a few days, you relucatantly cancelled your evening plans and got to work buying ingredients and cooking.[Of course, you were flattered and wanted to be paid compliments to your face which is probably why you bother in the first place.]

So you marinaded the chicken, chopped up about 20 onions, peeled what seemed like infinite cloves of garlic, lovingly powdered various whole spices and painstakingly cook your signature dish.

They are late. About an hor after they're late, you recieve an SMS [text] on your ever hungry mobile phone saying, " Hey we wont b able2cum, something else came up.sry."

I'll leave you to fume on my behalf...

Scene two :

Any girl knows that to meet her beloved, takes a lot of muss and fuss. One cooks their favorite dish. Aside of that one also has to clean up and make their home sparkle. [sloppiness is a very personal issue, one that should be kept hidden for as long as humanly possible.] But, harder than making one's home sparkle is making oneself all clean and shiny and pretty.
Sometimes one's Better Half requests specific favorite items of clothing. Which one has to wear. If aforementioned items of clothing are abesent from one's has to go buy them at a moment's notice. Booty calls also only appear effortless.

Let me be v.clear here...GIRLS TAKE TIME TO LOOK PRETTY. Or even presentable. It's not as simple as it looks. Legs are not naturally hair free and scents are not a part of us, especially not so strategically place. Bodies need to be washed and oiled. [We're not babies anymore and so bodies are not naturally silky and smooth.]

About an hour after we are ready and waiting, we recieve an SMS saying that they're on they're way now...and to not be angry.

Are you freakin' kidding me?

Scene three :

Very old family friends, people you respect, have been invited for dinner. Unexpected guests turn up at their place even as you are zoomingly cooking a hasty but tasty meal for this impromtu supper. Drinks in the freezer to chill. Seeing as how they are too polite to tell their guests they are in a bit of a rush and their guests too bored to actually bother CALLing before just "dropping by" as they were in the neighbourhood.

So one waits for upto 4 hours. that's right...till their guests decide to leave before they can finally make it. YOu are hungry, thirsty, pissed off. At least these people make it, even though its 10:00 PM.

And a good host despite it all.

Scene four :

You informed your maid that you have to leave for work early tomorrow and she promises to come at 11 AM. You wait till 4 PM. and then finally believing that they've taken the day off, you leave.

The next day they inform you they did indeed come at 5 PM.
When you get upset and angry at their...[*unable to find the right word please help*]... they don't bother apologizing. And you can't be rude or yell at them because they're 40 years older to you!

Which is worse people? They all made me seethe equally.