Does a Picture really speak?

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. I don't know about all that, but I would like to find out :o) These here are two pictures of me. [DUH]. Give me 5 words to describe them/it, the person you see in it. Read the other's words and don't repeat. Be original, after all, man has more than one facet and a woman more than a hundred [Ok, so I made that up.]. You're all writers, bloggers...Use your adjectives ;o)

Why?

Well, these are probably the most honest pics of me ever, without thinking, without posing, and at a time when I'm trying my level best to become better...I need to know how I am right now, from the perspective of an objective outsider.

The road not taken indeed.

This post is in fact a reply to Solilo's post here.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

-Robert Frost, The road not taken.

I took the road less travelled by in my life. In fact I'm currently on its rocky path... It's not easy... I didn't know it would be this hard, but had I known also, I would still have taken it, because it's the only way to grow. To achieve one's highest potential...its the only way.

And it's a long road,

It's often lonely...but you learn to be your own best friend.
It's rocky but that only makes you overcome obstacles.
It's twisted but that only makes you realise that honesty and straight-forwardness are the easiest way to go.
It's scary, but that only makes you more and more fearless in all your doings, makes you brave enought to stand up for whats right. For yourself and for someone who isn't as brave.
It's got potholes in it...a lot of potholes, but they only serve to make you more resourceful and have faith, that where there is a pothole, there's also a ladder nearby to climb out of it.

There maybe a few like minded travellers out there, and they will pull you along when you get tired, they will remind you, how amazing it feels, to make it, all on your own.

Yes, for all its pain, the road less travelled is the only one worth taking...

Breakfast in five!

So my better half came home on his way back from work. So I made him breakfast in five mins... as part of a series of Quick 'n Easy recipes on my blog, I'm here to provide this too.

Scrambled Eggs on Toast :

Ingredients :

5 eggs
Salt to taste
Pepper to taste
Butter
Cream- 2 tablespoons
Skim Milk - 1/4th cup

Method :

Use a non stick pan.
heat pan first
add small amounts of butter.
let butter fizz and bubbles form.
meanwhile you should have popped bread into the toaster.
And begin beating the eggs, salt and pepper in a bowl with a fork.
When the butter is hot and eggs are beaten , add the eggs to the pan.
watch the base of the eggs. When they start solidifying, push the eggs from the edge to the centre in a straight motion. keep pushing eggs this way. when they are half cooked, add the cream, push eggs around again and then add the milk. let cook on low-medium flame.
by now the bread should have popped out, cut, spread butter.
Add the slightly moist or dry now [as per your taste[ on top of the bread and sprinkle pepper and serve~!
Tastes best with piping hot coffee :)

The Women who give the good ones a bad name.

There are these women I know. And then there are these simple men.

These women I know entice these men. Ensure them that they cannot be the same, even whole, without them. They talk sensuously and sexily. They throw in numerous innuendoes, fling around the three most sacred words in the history of humankind... I love you.

To some guys, these three words make their world swivel and spin and turn all bright and rainbow-like, to some guys, these words are all they've been waiting for. They feel like a dog who's spotted a rainbow.

Even after months of conversation, on many levels, months of teasing, moments of emotional intimacy... these women after all the sweet talking, claim to be just friends...once these guys tell them of their feelings.

Then these guys are baffled. What were the sweet words about? Did the i love you's mean squat? What about the online kisses every two lines? Were they just passing their time playing around with these guys feelings? Knowing that these are serious guys. Guys who take feelings, emotions, love seriously?

Then they Pretend as if they did nothing wrong in the first place. Like its quite normal to throw around these words. Like it's normal to tell guys everytime they're going to shower and indulge their visions of them in the same, providing morbid descriptions? Or it's normal to inform a guy everytime one's going to change one's clothes [going to strip babe, just a min, brb]. A guy you are merely friends with. Not Bf GF. Telling them their calls are a lifeline all the while not realising how statements such as these raise their hopes up several notches.

Then they go and shatter their hopes. Were these hopes unfairly raised? The only excuse these girls give is that this is the way everyone in their generation talks. I'm talking about a generatoin 5-7 years younger. They are ok with guys feeling them up, unabashedly sexually promiscous even before they reach 17yrs of age. This is all ok...with them. And then they complain that guys call them W****S and S***s. Not that the guys are entirely without blame.

But I digress.

Then these chicks, transform the formely simple guys into messes. Colossal Messes they cannot clean up, nor can they forget and certainly not forgive. They doubt every girl thereafter. And that ruins things for the girls who genuinely mean what they say. These chicks ruin it for all the "Good Women" out there.

How is that fair, how?

Mirror mirror on the wall...who's the scariest of them all?

I forced myself to face my worst fear today. Yes thats me, horrified!

Let me explain.

Until nearly 7years ago, I was fairly good looking [read : Hot!] and smart and polished and basically I put effort into my looks and physique. I used to preen in front of the mirror and scope myself in everything that reflected light and myself. I was the epitome of vanity. You would've been too if you had guys falling for you left and right.

I was confident. Arrogant, even. [not proud, and certainly not so anymore.]

Then college happened. Misunderstandings, rejections, betrayals, loneliness, a sense of not knowing myself...

Then eating disorders happened....

Soon enough I began hating the reflection I saw in the mirror. So I did what seemed smart [read : Convienient] at the time, and sold my full length mirror.

I never faced a full length mirror...after that.

Yesterday I went and bought one....

After all these years, it seems to me, the smart thing to do, the only thing to do, is change what I see in the mirror. I couldn't do that until I saw what the mirror shows, the thing that scares the living crap out of it.

So I did.

I faced it.

And its helping already. Fitness first. Healthy foods in. All kinds of junk out. Daily runs a must.

You must think I'm so bizarre!!

This is me though...facing my worst fear...trying to make my biggest enemy my best pal.

For the Children Of alchoholics.

Of late, there have been around me, increasing stories of alchoholics and their marriages to ordinary, naive, stupid, smitten women who don't have an ounce of common sense. Maybe their brains cease to function and that is why they cannot see beyond these smooth talking people.

My better half pointed out to me, that generally I'm a tolerant, polite, nice person who tries her hardest to see and show the best in people, Even in people I dislike. He and I were both surprised and stunned at my vehemence regarding alchoholics and addicts. He is against them being involved with a family member too...but not as violently as I am. He asked me if they weren't human? Didn't they too deserve happiness? A family?

I was baffled at my intolerance. After many, many conversations regarding this topic it turned out there was a damn good reason for my anger at addicts.

In my psychiatry posting in college, I admitted many addicts. Not one of these came of their own accord. Not one Admitted to a problem. Half of them had undergone deaddiction programmes before and currently relapsed, half of the rest were new and the other half referred from another hospital. Ask any of them the standard question of "what seems to be the problem that brought you here?" and there was a standard reply, " Nothing. These people think I have a problem, I'm totally fine."

These people were their family. Wives, children, parents, relatives. Who had seen enough and tolerated enough and tried enough on their own. Beaten up wives and messed up children. Broken homes, broken hearts, shattered souls
An estimated 6.6 million children under the age of 18 years live in households with at least one alcoholic parent. For more alchoholism related statistics go here.

They are human beings. No doubt. But they are ill. Ill in a way that, 95% of the time, they cannot help. Literally cannot help. Addiction is a sickness. Even a drop of alchohol after a Deaddiction programme, is enough for a relapse. They cannot help it, they don't know how to stop.

And while that doesn't make Alchoholics and addicts less human, they are still adults. It is their problem. If another man/woman falls in love with them, believes their claims which range as follows :

I only drink occasionally now.
Even one peg goes straight to my head and makes me drunk.
I have strong will power.
I will stop it for you.
I have stopped because of you.
Beer doesn't do anything.
I will change after marriage.
It's only because i'm lonely.
and etc.

...if other men/women are stupid enough to believe them because they are lonely, they want to feel loved, or feel they can "save" an addict or the addict is otherwise handsome/beautiful/charming/rich/qualified/smart etc...if these people are blinded in infatuation so much so they are willing to marry these addicts and live with them thats ok too.

What is not ok then?

It's not ok, when these people, this couple, decides to have children.
They have no right...when they are so messed and unsure of their own selves...that they don't know when they will relapse next...they have no right to bring innocent children into this world.
Two adults getting married is by choice. They can undo it, get divorced if the addict turns into a beater or abuser or relapses.
But children do not get a choice. They do not get to choose the family they are born into. They have to live with the consequences, with an addict as a parent.
The world is hard enough to live in as it is. Even with normal, well balanced parents...it is a hard life. Imagine how much worse it is with one or more parent who is messed up. Who are unstable themselves. How can they provide any semblance of stability for their kids?

To read about the suffering of children of addicts and alchoholics please go here.
http://alcoholism.about.com/library/blnapsi021222.htm

Children are innocent and extremely sensitive creatures. They are dependent on us, their parents. To give birth to one, to make a baby, another human life...is an enormous responsibility. A grave responsibilty. A decision that cannot be taken in a giggly, romantic moment. Carelessly. They trust us with their lives.

How can we betray them by bringing them into this world when we are so messed up ourselves? When we cannot guarantee that we won't touch a drop of booze or snort a line of coke or shoot something up our arms.

If a woman marries someone who is an alchoholic/ex alchoholic/relapsed/addict/ex addict/someone making smooth but probably false promises/still trying to recover/ etc etc...just for her own selfish reasons, imagined love or infatuation, then they have successfully taken the first step towards being a terrible mother.

If an addict, a known addict, even an ex addict with relapses etc, agrees to father a child...he is on his way to becoming a bad father.

The children of addicts don't respect their parents. Either of them. They grow up hostile and insecure among other things. They have a high chance of drug abuse themselves, apart from depression and social issues. They have few friends or many, many friends. They spend their lives dealing with these issues. Female children often end up marrying a man in their alchoholic father's image. In India Divorce is still Taboo. SO what then? They think children will solve the problem. So they reproduce.

Read more about the whole issue here.

There are no guarantees in life. Normal people may become addicts after marriage.
But tell me something...
Isn't there a huge difference, between choosing to marry someone you KNOW has a problem and marrying someone whose problems you know nothing of. After marriage their issues may come as a shocker.
But to knowingly "jump into a well?"...
How can a person do that?

The adults I don't give a damn about. They deserve their fate, they made their choices. But their unborn or soon to be born kids have no say whatsoever. They wouldn't make such a lousy choice. One that will fuck up the rest of their lives.

More about alchoholic's kids here.

Addicts are experts at deception. Experts. Smooth liars. They have to be. It's upto you to be wary.



Afterword: It makes my heart and mind sick. And since I couldn't sleep thinking about this, I blogged. And cried. For all those little children. The huge gap between posts was because I couldn't bring myself to write anything else. I had to get this out. I don't mean to offend anyone. I admire the addicts who remain clean. I know the courage it takes. Not everyone can do it. Thats the trouble.

This is how I love.

Dedicated to the Stuart Little in my life.
[With all of the love a little Margalo is capable of.]


I love you so
that Tears in your eyes
cause mine
to blur too.

When you light up
and drag the smoke deep
My lungs turn to coal
my chest tightens too.

A harsh word from you
that cold shoulder?
breaks my tiny heart,
slaps my crestfallen face.

We meet when you please,
It hurts to have no say,
waiting is agony,
our time e'er constrained.

When I'm second place,
my feelings runners up,
To be less of a burden,
I know why your back aches.

I listen to you simply
because what makes you happy,
is always above all,
my joy lies in your laughter.

Haven't you realised yet?
I notice what matters to you,
your opinions mean the world
I listen, I notice, I do.

I yearn for a hug,
a loving look,
a playful nudge,
footsie under the table.

When you spend a penny,
it pinches my wallet.
When you have a cold,
its my nose that sniffles.

When you stand up for me,
I feel less alone.
When life is a burden,
you make me whole.

Your sleepless nights,
cause shadows 'neath my eyes.
Your troubled days,
leave me in great distress.

For me you are foremost,
what makes you happy
above me,my ego and pride.
Don't you see it yet?

Am I not worthy of
more than stolen moments?
Am I not to be put,
first, above all,sometimes?

I do not fear you dying,
your breath and mine are one,
I need not love you more
After you pass on.

I know you don't know why,
Maybe I will tell you
When your heart beats it's last,
mine stops ticking too.