happy new year everyone :o)

remorse

Remorse...

One day you'll realise,
and oh!how you'll realise...

what goes around,
inevitably...
comes right back around,
smacks you so hard,
makes you see
no one's world
can revolve around thee.

oh you'll see
and how you'll see...

sticks and stones,
just hurt one's bones.
Nasty words,
rip out your heart
tear down you soul,
broken trust...
never again whole.

oh you'll realise,
and how you'll realise...

sugary sweet,
seems so soothing...
attracts wasps
[won't hesitate to bite]
they'll snatch what they want,
'gainst all you might.

oh you'll see,
and how you'll see...

bitter neem
heals wounds faster
than syrup of honey,
antibiotics,
the balm of money
don't spit it out,
or get angry,
its only to help you
be what you wanted to.

oh you'll realise,
and when you do so...

who will love you?
you stamped it out of us
who will trust you?
you shattered it twixt us!
remorse,regret shall so cloud your mind
for all the true love,
you kicked far behind.

tis the season to be jolly!!??...pushy?bossy?needy???

merry christmas!!
ho ho ho!!...oh no faux pas...ha ha ha ha HA.wat-e-ver...now,for my christmas experience...a lil somethin new one gets to learn each day each moment each ...push.
so i went to the local mall,to watch a live TV shoot to be conducted by a friend of mine on the Christmas frenzy,a senior reporter,working for a channel known far and wide for its TRP generating tactics[showing a lotta bulwark,no other channel would dare display.]

she was supposed to get a bunch of cute kids in the frame,make the whole bunch sing "jingle bells"...tiny kids they were,some knew what a TV camera was.most,however had no clue...left to themselves,they would've met n hugged Santa [one with a plastic face BTW],taken a gift n left,happy n content.

their parents though,are in a whole different league,altogether.
they seemed so very desperate to get their kids to come in front of the camera that they pushed em,shoved em,made them push n shove other,smaller kids...there was one kid who was bawling face as red as Rudolph's nose,glistening with tears wanting to get out of the crowd n go home...his mom just pushed him back in saying,its just for a few mins,and then proceeded to call her relatives and pseudo-friends telling em to turn on the TV set cos oh u c,my bunty dear is coming,he got chosen [tough contest,sorry losers] n blah.

it was the most pathetic thing i saw that night.

the crown for the 2nd most pathetic sight goes to this other lady,who was standing next to me and yelling to her daughter [placed in front of the camera]...to lift up her younger,tinier brother so that his face came in front of the camera...i looked and he was the smallest kid in that crazy crowd,he looked like he was gonna cry any minute now.
the disgust i felt reflected on my face and i couldn't help but stare at the woman who would rather keep a scared kid in some crowd [scaring him more] than console him n keep him by her side.all this so she gets to hear "oh we saw Ur kid on TV"...to bask in this gory,reflected fame...
the lady looked at me,saw me looking,looked abashed,and stammered...oh u know,that's just so in case hes scared nah..."

i dint think i could look more revolted,apparently though i did.

my friend,the reporter,however handled all this and more,v.bravely.so did her camera crew.they told off parents telling them how best to position their cameras so that their kids got captured...told em they only took orders from their boss n that wasn't them.[the pushy parents].u go guys!

hm.i couldn't help but wonder...if parents r this pushy,this young...what will they do to their kids,[all for their own good u c],as they get older.i imagined conversations,in my head...dialogues really...
PP[pushy parents]: u have to study,don't u know,Mrs.Kapoors kid topped,u have to displace her!
PP:i don't care if ur uncomfortable,i bought u this miniskirt and ull wear it!maybe someone will "spot" u and offer u a modelling contract and then films...!u know the newer actresses are not even out of school.
PP: u'll have to lose more weight if u want to wear that without people calling u a fat pig with a huge ass.
PP: how can u want to be an animal doctor?do u know ull have to put ur hands inside cows to deliver babies?
[yeah lady?and how do humans deliver?oh no wait...babies r gifted,all wrapped up huh?silly me.]
PP: ur not studying enough to get into IIT...do u want to mess up ur future forever??
PP: we r not ur enemies,we want ur good,[i agree]...in the long run,u will thank us!

hey PP,what if they don't see the long run?some kids suicide cos they fail exams..more are taking to drugs,booze etc,at far earlier ages than can be contemplated even by u,teenage pregnancies r more n more frequent...i know,i get requested for abortifacient drugs after episodes of unprotected sex,just cos i'm a doctor.but its illegal,yet these kids r not scared,to go against the law....

they are scared of they're own flesh and blood though.
is the long run more important than their innocent smiles n laughter,NOW?not later...NOW?
it may have been something so silly,but its the start of something more sinister.
kids barely have a childhood anymore!theres pressure and more pressure and still more pressure till one is cooked RAW!

oh u poor,poor kids.

a bit about love?

Dedicated to my parents n my friend Nikhil,cos u like me the way i am...

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."

n im not talkin abt romantic love alone...but others,probably just as precious to us,except at the time we will not realise its meaning in our life.however,sadly,we do realise and we do undergo a mental flashback wherein we wonder what went wrong.It wud've bin better had we never recalled the past.

Real love hurts;
Real love makes you totally vulnerable and open;
Real love will take you far beyond yourself;
Therefore real love will devastate you.
If love does not shatter you,
You do not know love...

n that is so true.ive loved a lot of ppl in my life so far.worse ive loved and lost a lot.and it hurts so bad.whether the person ur losing is a friend or otherwise a romantic involvement.it hurts just as much albeit in a different manner.why?why do we allow this?i know for my [art,i do not try to solve the problem knowingly.mostly since i have the feelings,in general,that im to blame for everything,n thats bin the way it is since i was a lil kid n evennow,every arguement i enter,i leave it with a feeling that im to blame.which is why i prefer to avoid confrontations of any sort.i hate them cos they make me hate myself.who wants to hate themself?
so u c,i get lonely sometimes,no...often.but ive learned to live with myself,as i am...but...its not necessary to avoid ppl all the time.i just suck at sucking up!my folks n nik r the only ones i dont have to be someone else around....i can speak my mind and be ME around them,even if it causes trouble.

thats rare,which is why,i dont really notice or feel deeply the lack of 'friends'.
thanks u guys.

dedicated to Google,my lil dog.love u.

CAN YOU LOVE ME,LIKE MY DOG DOES?


...for instance if I,

shut you in the balcony
[its mid winter]
as guests are home
[scary cats]
they think you'll pounce.

don't make you dinner
[i'm not hungry]
your water bowls dried out
[oops didn't notice]
I'm more important to me.

tie you on a short leash
[punishments necessary]
you pee'd in the house
[oh so i delayed taking you out]
wheres your sense?

didn't play with you
[i'm busy can't you see?]
don't rub your belly
[fur shows on black!]
wont throw you your stick.

how callous am i
how uncaring

yet why...

do you still run laughing
the instant, im in at the door
your tail wagging nonstop,
you clamber upon...
a human who knows not,
what real loves all about.

you make me feel small,
sweet dog of mine,
we humans love those,
whos heads nod with ours.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

An Ode to a Candle...

should i light,this candle tonight?
Candle light,
burning bright...
should I light,
its wick tonight...
will you come,
share with me...
some food,some wine,
some love some time?

Stick of wax,
though it maybe...
like us,its has,
a destiny...

Candle light,
shines just right.
Must i decide,
its fate tonight?
should it commence,
its long descent...?
what shall it see?
A glorious date...
or just another woman,
and her fruitless wait?

Candle light,
prays it might,
witness scenes of sweet passion...
the making of perfection...
in the space of this night.
Not words of accusation
anger so destructible...
blotting all hope
of peace and salvation!

Candle light
burning bright
cast your might,
upon us tonight.
and as you melt,
so fearlessly...
I'll tell them all,to learn from thee.
A tale of how sometimes...
one must die to see,
fulfillment of
one's destiny.

catchin' up...or not....?

did u ever wonder what happened to ur old school/college/work pals?ever google them now?email em n ask them if they remember u?tell them what ur upto n ask them whats new with them?wish em on birthdays/festivals/blah days?arrange to meet up over a cuppa?laugh n remember old old times?ppl u had in common?most ppl do stuff like that yeah?
me not so much.
heck,me not at all really.

...and i really do not know why!when a old friend calls home [mom,im away,forEVER]
asks to meet [im takin a flightout someplace,damn...lousy timing huh...?]
wants my number [er..ooops,i think that one digit went awry]
asks me what im upto [oh u know...busy existing]
tries tellin me what theyre upto [isn't the weather just...bitchin!!]

i don't know...i simply don't know why i don't like catching up with ppl i've known,and even known well...in the past...its not like i'm a failure in life,or anything...then...what would explain this pathological need for total and complete disconnection with people from the past?hmm.has anyone ever felt that way?i guess we ALL feel that way regarding people whom we've had lousy experiences with,but what about with other,normal relationships...or is it just me?
it just seems like so much work,for a relationship with someone...who knows what u were all about 10yrs ago,and so will assume u r still the same old same person...which u r not...cos things have happened,both gud n bad,in those 10yrs...which have made u what u r now...and what ppl look for in their old friends...is for a comforting familiarity...which u cant provide...cos Ur not the u they think u r...not after all that,not anymore!!!
sometimes,when i come across ppl from my school/college,online,i just have a look but don't communicate...seriously...even ppl who have been best friends[ I'm in touch with exactly 1 friend from high school]...maybe i'm not such a gud friend,maybe..i'm just being a true aquarian![ugh,so lame...but so true!]
wonder why,wonder what would happen,if i did msg someone from school one day,out of the blue.wud he/she remember me?b pleasantly surprised or shocked to hear from me?wud he/she reply?so i will.lessee what happens.

opposite sites of the same coin...

love n hate
fire n ice
good n bad
eccentric n genuis
truth n lies
games n work
sexuality n aggression
change n improve
yin n yang
matter and anti-matter
science n spirituality
kind n cruel
creation n God
jealousy n insecurity
Bramha n Shiva
beautiful n terrible
lust n love.



p.s: mindblowing pic courtesy My friend Manmeet singh.

all the RaGe!!!

yes...its a terrible picture isn't it?but don't worry...in all probability its an view of the inside of the mind of a person,who for a long while,has been suppressing his/her irritation...slowly it turned to anger and finally that which u see above...rage.someone at war with their self...such a terrible conflict...

Rage...which hurts more...in intensity and in number of ppl,when finally expressed...
Rage...which causes us to hurt the ones we love...
Rage...which after its passing fills us with extreme regret...why didn't we control it,oh why?
Rage...which causes us to smash breakable objects and is satiated by shattered pieces...
Rage...which appears in our eyes as madness...
Rage...which makes us hurt ourselves...
Rage...which causes us to kill...
Rage...which may never have developed,had we been free to express our irritation in the first place...

A wise person asked me what i would do to a person who caused me great harm?
nothing significant,i said...id not tell anyone...
why not?doesnt he deserve it?
no.no one deserves to be ruined.
no one?but he may have ruined ur life?
still...why should i ruin his?id probably not recommend him as a person to anyone else though.
thats it?why?why wudn't u ruin his life?his career?isn't it dumb?
dumb...i dont agree.its just the way i think...not everyone agrees...
u know what i think,the wise man said,i think ur suppressing ur anger...n ur scared of what u may do shud u decide to express it,u may murder...kill...
I wudn't kill...but if i ruin someones life...they may kill themselves...i wudnt want that.
yes...either way...metaphrically,u cud kill...in ur rage n anger...
yes...i thot...when im outraged...i throw cups...breakable ones...n i dont feel better till they actually break...i dont regret it much either.everyone keeps telling me to control my temper...but...
but u do control it...wat happens is...it reaches its storage saturation and then u burst in anger...n then ppl comment n say ur shud control ur temper...
yes!!thats the pattern exactly...
then y dont u try being more assertive regarding the things which annoy u...so that people dont get on ur nerves and u dont accumulate anger...that shud take care of the rage...
but ppl feel bad...if i try getting assertive...
thats their problem.not urs.

yes.
their problem...not mine.
they dont think abt my feelings while...
rage...damages so...so much...so deeply...for so long...it can take years n years before u realise...thats it was rage all along...rage at ppl...for trying to repress u,for trying to emotionally blackmail u,for trying to make u live a life they dreamed of,for trying to protect their feelings even if it harmed u...for manipulating u,for making u feel bad abt urself,for not empathizing with u,UR feelings,but taking advantage of ur love for them to ensure they r not hurt by u.

but what abt u?
shud u keep living with this?
shud u allow urself to get more damaged?
so much so that u become incapable of living a normal life?

rage...something to think about.
unless u get rid of rage,of anger...unless u stop letting ppl hurt u...how will u expect to find peace?
rage...temporary madness...
may become permanent...
y shud U have to live with it?
who cares?does anyone really care enuf...to help u...to let u be urself?
then y shud u care so much?
care abt urself...if u dont,who will??

ah innocence!!!

when did U last laugh with such joy and abandon?
pic courtesy : manmeet aka mannu [who shud b a professional photographer not an RJ.[but u do RJ well too mannu]

does being romantically comitted at 17 make sense?

Said a wise man...Being romantically comitted at 17yrs of age doesnt make sense : Doesnt it though? why not? my mom was married wen she was 16,as she keeps reminding me ;) but that was 'marriage'...today,i wonder how teens would define 'commitment'...i really do..cos we all have different opinions regarding what 'we' think is comittment. for instant...in Europe ,most married men have a mistress, but they're still 'comitted'...cos theyre wives r usually aware of the scenario...and dont fight it.they are in fact,by their own admission,'happily married"!... In India...the of dok saabs times[hehe...kiddin ;o)i meant waaaay before eg:mughal times] i doubt there was a thing called 'open relationship'.yes,the "big" ppl did have affairs,whole harems full of concubines in fact..but even that was not considered infidelity..just routine...women understood the inherent promiscuity of men and well...indulged it...but...no divorce,separation etc. today...commitment...had to define.for the teens who commit...here lemme say that by commitment i mean a mutual agreement made out of intense affection, not to be um...shall we say unfaithful..to another person for the duration of the current relationship. u c? no promises of permanence. so...why not?why not 'commit'?this is do-able.the teen fulfills his/her emotional,physical,mental,intellectual,n blah watever needs without the burden of marriage...and in laws and kids [no offense,i was a kid once,an unholy terror] added to this is the fact that if u not part of a couple ur uncool. who needs the added peer pressures? kids today have enough to deal with...isnt it awesome that they have someone to help them out and someone who needs them in turn? is a steady relationship at 17yrs bad o is a snorting dope at a night club st the same age,alone n single bad? u choose. kids today are v. mature...mostly cos of the explosive increase in exposure. so wat if sex ed is banned? u think kids today r not savvy enough to find out whats going on with their bodies? have the govt. heard of a lil thing called GOOGLE perchance? no promises of permanence. such is the case with life. n with marriages today as well. v dont match after 10yrs of marriage lets divorce. fine. to each his own mode of attaining joy. heck u get one life...b happy. just dont hurt anyone. commitment today at 17? understandable. todays kids...v.v.sad. having a partner...always nice. love? also always nice. but a warning...know when the relationship is harming u/partner...have the wisdom then to reach a civilized closure. another mutual understanding.

before n afterrrrr!!!!

i wondered how much of a noticeable difference is visible following a few months of dieting n excercisng[ahem...questionable amounts]...has made...so i decided to post some pix!!
BEFORE :
me alone[man,arent i a mess!]








me wid my mum...who looks younger:





AFTER :

a day out job hunting!

dressed for an interview :o)

foolin around after nik got a job!

old and wise...

today i went to work in an old age home,u know,the kind wherein the inmates have rich,spoilt kids who live abroad n send their Petty change to keep their parents in old age homes,as far away as possible.

maybe their intentions aren't so bad.maybe their parents don't wish to leave their own old country,as wish to die there.but cant live alone and so their kids decide the best option is to put then in a home...with other ppl their age,so they wont b lonely and will get adequate care.

these ppl,the ones i met today,were not.they were sad their kids had "abandoned" them.most of their spouses had passed away a while ago and since in India the concept of marriages during old age is not yet accepted,most of these ppl have no one to really share the remainder of their life with and we all know how it can get so lonely sometimes.well,one lady was crying thinking of her dead husband,who had died 40yrs back.n her 2 daughters were in Bombay and didn't Care for her.

another lady,as i was examining her,kept talking about her 10 children.yep,10.she said no on had time to bother abt her cos they were all busy fighting over the 10acres of land she and her husband had bequeathed them.she said to me, " don't ever have 10 kids if u have 10acres of land.they each get only 1 acre and that's not worth splitting land over.and ud think one of them would take care of u but they wont.they'll ask u to go live somewhere else,they will push u onto their other siblings but they wont take care of u.will u talk to ur mother like that...??will u??"

no...i said.no way.
and i wont.
parents are the worlds best ppl.they give birth to u,they take care of u,they clean ur crap and piss,hold ur puke if u do it accidentally...u get the idea.they'realways there for u in any n every way they can b,financially,emotionally...u know.

they don't understand u,they wont see eye to eye with u,they will never see the sense in ur clothes,they will always wonder where they money they give u goes,they will never approve of ur boyfriend,they will never b happy if u wanna live with them[the bf.],the will yell if u don't study...they will question ur every action.
they will eventually drive u crazy
.u will not b able to live peacefully with them once uve lived alone...
but its all cos they love u and never want anything bad to happen to u...no matter how strong adverse circumstances may make u,they dont not want u to learn the hard way...which is y tehy try to protect u as long as they live really.
and this is how u repay them?
all they want,all anyone wants in life is to b with the people they love,especially wen u know ur lifes not gonna b for much longer.

this is how u repay them for their years of sacrifice and care?really?how can u sleep at nite?
i know i couldn't.

its different if its what they want.in india most ppl dont.

sometimes words are not enough...

u cant spend ur whole day by the phone waiting for someone to call.
u cant keep waiting for someone else to make u feel special and important.
u cant make someone love u just the way u are.
u cant expect someone not to try to change u.
u cant expect them to stick by ur side even if u refuse to change.
u cant leave them.
u cant force them to think about u as much as much as u think about them.
u cant expect to be among their top priorities.
u cant expect them to b as foolish as u.
u cant expect them to notice when somethings wrong with u.
u cant expect time to be taken out from ppls busy busy schedule for u,even if it is the last time ull b speakin to them for quite awhile.
u must not expect these things.
u must not delude urself into believing u r someone special or important for other ppl.
u must not expect to b tolerated.
u cannot b urself,in front of ANY person.
ppl will leave u.
no matter what ppl say,no one likes the truth.and no one will stand the truth.
no matter what

and a huffing and puffing we shall go...!

so,this is the "n"th time im 're-trying' to lose my excessive blubber.im fed up really.i lose tons of weight,get excited and eat heartily and then have to try relosing it alll over again.ugh.disgusting.i wish,rarely,that things wudnt taste so gud...then there wud b no temptation,n then dieting wouldnt b sucha struggle!oh and working out,lets not forget that.i prefer swimming over any other activity really,cos im a v.graceful swimmer plus u just cant fall in water!n i get loads of compliments wen i swim.if im walking or jogging,im usually the slowest among scores of ppl and i look [according to nikhil,who insists its absurdly cute-like a rolling football :o/].not the look i was trying out for dude.in water,i look great!u cant c me!!
the only trouble wen swimmin is,i catch a damn cold everytime i go swimming thus deblitating me for days to come n providing me with an excuse to laze.not good.

ever noticed that wen something,no matter wat,is forbidden to u,or is bad for u...it appears irresistible?blieve me i know.wen im not a diet,all i wanna do is eat,n eat.so,its most of the time for me then.n eat what?all kindsa junk.not normal everyday food,no,crap!

another thing is...wen ur fat and working out,i front of other lean ppl...theres always at least one person who passes a mean comment and u really cant do anything cos all he did was call u fat in a mean manner and u cant even disagree.really puts me out n i usually return from my walk crying.i know,im a sissy.

n of late,im starting to feel like a real failure,someone pathetic who cant even control her own senses and body.n its not a nice feelings.no,it makes me feel like crap.so i decided im gonna do something abt it.yea,u know,the real reason ppl who r fat are so is cos thats wat they think,all day long "im so fat!" n the reason thin ppl r so is cos all they think is 'im so hot.'..so,im gonna think thin.eat well.n swim.[i will have to take a pill but i think itll b worth it.]n then lessee shall we?
i made a vow 4yrs back,wen i out on weight,that i wudnt wear jeans till i lost weight,n now im tired of crappy clothes.really i am.so wish me luck and will power i reallly need it!
:o)

when love fades...its our fault.

Dedicated to my parents n my friend Nikhil,cos u like me the way i am...

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."

n im not talkin abt romantic love alone...but others,probably just as precious to us,except at the time we will not realise its meaning in our life.however,sadly,we do realise and we do undergo a mental flashback wherein we wonder what went wrong.It wud've bin better had we never recalled the past.

Real love hurts;
Real love makes you totally vulnerable and open;
Real love will take you far beyond yourself;
Therefore real love will devastate you.
If love does not shatter you,
You do not know love...

n that is so true.ive loved a lot of ppl in my life so far.worse ive loved and lost a lot.and it hurts so bad.whether the person ur losing is a friend or otherwise a romantic involvement.it hurts just as much albeit in a different manner.why?why do we allow this?i know for my [art,i do not try to solve the problem knowingly.mostly since i have the feelings,in general,that im to blame for everything,n thats bin the way it is since i was a lil kid n evennow,every arguement i enter,i leave it with a feeling that im to blame.which is why i prefer to avoid confrontations of any sort.i hate them cos they make me hate myself.who wants to hate themself?
so u c,i get lonely sometimes,no...often.but ive learned to live with myself,as i am...but...its not necessary to avoid ppl all the time.i just suck at sucking up!my folks n nik r the only ones i dont have to be someone else around....i can speak my mind and be ME around them,even if it causes trouble.

thats rare,which is why,i dont really notice or feel deeply the lack of 'friends'.
thanks u guys.

sniffety sniff!

Sniff sniff,honk honk,wipe wipe...ugh dontcha just hate a common cold?it can make fatal illnesses appear funny.n theres not much relief,unless uve consumed one of those anti histaminics and are in La-La land,which is not possible during the day cos ive to work n not possible at night cos i cant afford to oversleep next morning :o( ud think ur bosses wud hear ur sore throat begging[no,rasping] for mercy without actually saying the words,theyd hear ur sniffling and see ur nose which is peeling and threatening to detach itself from ur countenance...ud think they'd notice and say "oh u poor dear,there r plenty of interns now!u can take off if u want,were wont mark u absent,we know ur leaves are over."

huh.sure,when the earth is finally proved to b flat,perhaps my fantasy will turn into reality.and every1 will say..."oh wow,gosh aren't u lucky?uve the best bosses!".
come to think of it,i've never heard anyone say that,ever.nothing more than my boss is ok.not bad.i know id feel guilty as sin if a worker of mine was workin sick.id probably send him home with lozenges or make him hot bubbling soup and tuck him into bed.maybe turn on a cartoon for him.but then id b the best boss :oD so itd not b a new thing for me...
ugh i hate rhinitis.i hate the freaking viruses which leave u in such a mess.u cant breathe thru ur nose,ur mouth always dry,ur eyes r dull,u cant work out cos you cant breathe...u cant sleep at nite cos u feel wretched and u cant hold conversations with normal ppl cos they're just dot geddin wat ur tryin to say...partly.
wen ur sick,n theres no one around to pamper u,u feel awful.

my dream 'home'...

Has any1 ever dreamt of having a dream home?oh i'll bet every1 has,n have made intricate plans for it too...its just not possible not to've done so.wat wud b earning all those big bucks for?why mortgages n rents n elaborate construction plans? :o)
my dream home is a lil old cottage with a garden big enough for my dogs n other assorted animals...with a cute painted fence...wid graffiti.[yea i like the idea of being expressive,so sue me.] and a small fish pond...with my turtles and another pond for my fish...both would b covered obviously,else the damned crows would devour them sooner than u cud say "shoo!"... no kennels,but a hugeeeeeee self made doggie barn.v.clean of course with water n toys always n food at meal times...

flowers...roses,the real ones with the sweet scent...in all possible colors..and bright cheerful daisies also in various colors...money plants ;o)...for gud luck,bamboo...the feng shui ones...in my fishpond...cos turtles eat or damage plants...n every evening the flowers would smell oh so sweet...:o)

inside...the hall...with maybe a tv with an lcd screen.a decent hometheatre system on which i cud watch movies downloaded on my pc,which wud b situated in a corner of the hall...the dining table would b a round one,in the garden...and a foldable one indoors...
an entire wall along the corridor would b devoted to my books,all kinds of them...and the shelves would lead and end in the roomiest part of the passage,a square vault,wherein would b strategically placed a cane chair with cushions and a beanbag with a tiny coffee table in between em...there would b a window on one side of the chairs,for good reading light...a stack of magazines would rest atop the table or window sill.there would b place to sit upon the sill and enjoy the scenery...while the more literary cud read n sip coffee as they pleased...:oD i know its my fave occupation...

my bedroom...a queen sized bed with the cosiest mattress ive even laid myself on,fat fluffy pillows,my soft toys,a bolster,and best of all...a warm cozy huge n heavy quilt...the side tables would have reading lamps,naturally,and would have room enuf to hold the lamp,a book,a phone,water,vaseline...n my glasses...and there wud b a switch for regulating the fan/ac/lights...so once im tucked in i dont have to get up ;o)

the guest room...another queens bed,similar features,magazines,a mini tv,a fone,special soap n towels n pics in the loo...spare brushes n paste...u know...hotel style...mini bottles filled with shampoo n shower gel...

my loo...circular tub...so i cud lie back...maybe sip a drink [no,i dont drink but...the pictures nice n ive wanted to try it out.],lots of bubble bath.a shower,a wave thinggamajig,jacuzzi style...an mini waterfall...away from the toilet and bidet...
different flavors of toothpaste,so i can switch depending upon my moods in the am...same applies for shower gels and shampoos.scentwise.loads of waterproof stickers of the lil mermaid,flounder,the lobster,fishes,bubbles etc...

my kitchen wud have lots of shelves of ingredients categorized,id have cookbooks wherein id alter the recipes to suit my taste but get the essence of the dishes...my fridge wuud b situated there,dark blue in color,normal size.there wud b lots of coffee,my coffee machine too...sugar free,olive oil,veggies,fruits,grains,cereals,milk,bread n butter...sugar free ice cream...sweets for lil kids...my pet foods...cleaning liquids n dishes.a chair for someone to sit n chat while i work...a microwave,an oven too :o) a steamer....n u know...the usual....

but most of all,my home wud b a place where i cud just b myself,however i wanted to live id live n no one wud temme not to do this or to do that...where i wud go to have a nice satisfying time with myself...where id b glad to invite ppl n play hostess...where i cud keep all d wildlife i wanted to,where the dogs wud come first,b4 the guests?[tempting.wrt an unwelcome person.]

where i wud just b who i am n not who ppl want me to b.me,sweta,the wierdo [and proud!]

tooo many Deltas!

So,i was in the primary health centre today,tryin to help out those with limited means n sick kids,wen i started shivering.i wiped my runny nose and cleared my throat and signalled to my supervisor for a timeout...tired of the sniffling sounds he gladly agreed :)
This was the 2nd cold i was havin in a month.n ur not supposed to have 2 colds a month.as i took a tablet to dry up my excessive secretions,i pondered over the possible causes.only 1 came to mind...too much was changing too fast.
Delta,the greek alphabet u see alongside,is the mathematical symbol for change...
I dont like changes,n i especially dislike rapid changes.even if i am the one makin them.for instance,as of rite now the following is changing:

1. my community medicine posting entails that i go to a different place everyday!
2. my internships about to come to an end.in less than a month
3. i will be shifting my place of residence
4. to a place known for its busy traffic,street smart people and extremes of temperature.[the latter is something ive not had to face much.also somethin i find intolerable.]
5. i will b living with my mother.
6. i will be studying.
7. i will b attending special classes.
8. my caffeine intake will be monitored by my aforesaid mom.
9. i will not b able to talk with my bf as n wen n for how long i want to.not cos of mom,but myself n studies,and a bit of mom too.
10. the place im movin to is a huge but empty flat.its cold,bare n im not sure im gonna b allowed to dress it up much.im gonna b told to concentrate on reading.
11. im not gonna have much money as im not gonna b earning a penny that year.
12. i will have to workout every single day
13. i will have to eat a sensible diet
14. i will b losing all my excess weight [yes i know,its great,but to b sloppy sometimes is to b human!]
15. i will not b able to go out whereever n wenever i want to.[im a homeperson anyway,but i ...read on]
16. [wont b allowed to waste time the way i do now.]...i wont allow myself actually.
17. i am gonna keep a pet turtle.
18. maybe pet fish too.except that turtles eat em if theyre slow.
19. and dumb.
20. maybe a pooch.maybe not.
21. have to shift again!i just shifted from my old single rooom to a new double one which ive to share with a roomate,shes gr8,but im just not used to it.havent shared a room in 5yrs+
22. i dont much like the ppl i know in delhi.[dats where im shifting] with a few exception.so i never know how to behave around them.
23. theres not gonnna b 24hr electricity n water supply where i go.
24. ill b practising giving exams again.havent given em for a yr+
25. will b sleeping on foldable cots.

maybe im just complaining,but i realised that these,all of these,are what have bin goin thru my mind in the past month.n im not sure how ill cope with stuff like this.im so nervous n freaked.its a whole delta[sweta's life] n im sure its all gonna turn out ok,since its all bin planned for the betterment of [sweta's life] but that doesnt make me any less nervous...im not a big city,oh sorry,metro type chick.nor am i village chick.im not either,i dont know what i am.suddenly im starting to realise i havent fitted into any of the stereotypes of any of the places ive lived in so far.not as advanced and dubai ppl,not as emotionally void as manipal ppl,not as out of touch as U.P ppl,not as shrewd n self serving as delhi ppl.

wen ppl ask me where i am from,i always reply "thats a bad question to ask,cos u see,i really have no clue."
shudnt we all have a place,a haven to call home?
home is where my folks are.so im not goin home now?cos both my folks r not gonna b there...
home is a place u feel cosy n comfy in.
where to look forward to goin to after a hard day...cos its all urs...where u have pets/ppl waiting for u,eagerly.
does one always have to fit in?