Wednesday, May 21, 2008

CoVeR mE... a short story.

" Do you have any female friends? At all? ", asked Dr.Sharma, my psychiatrist.
"No... I've had a few, on and off, more off than on. Its the boys I remain friends steadily with...", I replied.
"why do you imagine that is...?", he persisted.
I'll tell your parents, I'll tell them a lie and they'll hit you if you don't do what I say. Touch me. Here, and here... caress me. Act like you want me. my 6yr old mind failed to comprehend the why and wherefore of her demands. It did not matter anyway.

I did not reply.
"something to think about then isn't it?",he ended.
I knew my parents wouldn't listen, but I thought I should try them out anyway. But they didn't, because I couldn't explain why She would lie to them, why she would want me to get a beating. I was too ashamed.
and now, I can't stop seeing the shadows. In my dreams, In reality. They smother me.

As I left the hospital with my mother, she, as usual, launched in to a barrage of questions... "What did He say?Did you tell Him about your temper and instability?Ask him how to control it...tell me what he said?"
"nothing and lots of things. " I did not elaborate
further... I was always quiet following my analysis sessions. Thoughtful. You're the reason I've been running in and out of Psychiatric hospitals for the past 6yrs. He thinks so too. All the shrinks did. But I can't tell you that. I love you too much to hurt you. Plus... you did the best you could. however, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” Benjamin Franklin

After we got home, I had my usual soothing cup of coffee, as a treat, I put milk and sugar instead of the usual black with sugar free I opted for when alertness was required. When I was supposed to study. Well I was
supposed to study even now, but I knew I would not. I could not. I would be busy thinking about what we talked about in those 45 minutes. I guess Dr.Sharma had foreseen this, which would explain his cautioning me not to worry about studies but to focus on getting better,"hard work", He said...
"You mean like studying? ", I asked like a type A
personality person.
"ha ha ha...No.forget studies and PG for a bit, I'm sure you will manage that hurdle when it comes, I want you to focus on therapy.
ok? ", He cautioned.
I started getting anxious as the weekends approached, every weekend. They were all close family friend you know. She came every weekend. Ever since she had hit puberty she had started making me suffer the consequences. She was 6yrs older than me. I had no clue as to what kind of insane pleasure being touched all over by someone who loathed it. But then, how would she know? Her eyes were always shut... perhaps, she used to imagine someone else.

I mused over what Dr.
Sharma had asked me. He was right. How come I had never noticed it, I barely had any friends... certainly no reliable girl friends. I never went drinking or clubbing with them, never had pajama parties with them, no long conversations over the phone.
I had had a female friend or two... but no one lasted long and I always found, I was never really myself with any of them. Which was odd... because when in a mixed group I was always myself... with males,I was myself... but with girls, I couldn't be. Its not that I didn't try... I did. But the end of every friendship with a female, was a a relief. And the sadness that came
along with it... was far too temporary to be sincere.

Sometimes girls touch each other, while talking... just casually place a hand on each other's forearm, shoulder ... I hated it when any girl touched me. I cringed, sometimes visibly... not that anyone caught on, as I usually pretended it was the weather... too hot or too cold as per the season. Sometimes girls hug... certainly they are more comfortable hugging each other than hugging non boyfriend males. For me it was the opposite, from as far back as I can remember. I could never get it.
I remember crying... I felt quite alone, who would I talk to. who would understand... who would not scold me? She has a brother why can't she fucking use him? Or some other friend of hers? not my fault not my fault not my fault.

I blew on the coffee. I know caffeine is a stimulant, but it always calms me down... the sweetness and the bitterness... both together... they soothe me. Such is life isn't it? sweet and bitter. Hell, I can open the floodgates far more quickly over a hot cuppa
cappuccino than over 10 drinks. after a few drinks the only way you'll know I have drunk was when I started dropping the finger foods.

I needed friends. So far, my boyfriend of 3yrs was my only real friend! I did get lonely... Google, my bitch, was a better friend than most girls I knew... but i needed time. And I had to chase away the shadows...
10years later, we were fucking neighbours. But it was not as bad as I imagined it would be. I was absorbed with adjusting to the neighbourhood and to the new school I rarely went over to visit. Besides we had a swimming pool in the building... I was an excellent swimmer... I couldn't wait to hit the pool every afternoon. She was a terrible swimmer... She could barely stay afloat. Her father was the only one in their family who knew how to swim having learnt in his village pond. I used to compete with him...I'd outstrip him easily.

The next time I went to Dr.
Sharma, I wondered if I should tell him... before he starts to believe I'm wierd. Well, he probably does that already doesn't he ducks? But tell him I did... I could swear I've yet to see someone more stunned... His voice broke when he spoke to me...
"that must have been a painful experience... you must have felt helpless...", he eventually said.
haha... Look at you!! you are reacting? This is biggg I got a reaction from a shrink...", watching him made me laugh...
"You use humor too much, how will you ever deal with this? unless you feel it....?", he wondered out loud, I felt.
"I don't know that I can...Sir.But I will try."

one afternoon her father was in the pool. I took a shallow dive in and he came to catch me. Not that he needed to, I was a good diver, but catch me he did... as i was straightening out and catching my breath, I felt his hands on my breasts. maybe its a mistake... an accident. but then I turned... I will never forget that ugly leer. and the shadows, they don't stop coming. I didn't tell anyone then either, such close family friends, since I was a baby. Didn't want to cause problems... they were our neighbours now... besides... maybe they wouldn't believe me. again.

chase away the how how...if only
Google would give me some answers...
I never slept peacefully. Either I had trouble falling asleep or maintaining it. sometimes I woke up screaming... unsure of why.
Who could I talk to.
When would they stop judging.
I needed blind faith in this.

grow up.grow up.they can't hurt you anymore, not unless you let them... nothing can... not she her father or anyone else. shes married and has a baby. Her father was in an accident, is bankrupt and n deep debt. terrible person i maybe... All I could think when I was told about the accident and the other tragedies... I felt avenged, On NO level, not for an instant... did i feel sorry for him. I wished him worse luck. I always did...

I was
ok. I would be fine. They couldn't hurt me... I turned on the lights.

Chase away the shadows... all I did was turn on the lights... Within and Outside... just turn on the lights.

6 lost souls found themselves in my mirror....:


Very impressive.Writing is all about examining and interpreting oneself.While we try to write about somebody or something else also, we are actually telling the world what we unconsciously knew about them.So it is always a matter about our inner self.Without knowing the inner rhizomes of life how can one grow and be the part of an enchantig flowering season.
Your writing is bold.Congrats.

NonsSens said...

Phew!!!!So this is the entire story. Hmmmm.
Life seems so difficult sometimes na. I each kids should be taught that its good to speak one's mind out....nothing is "good" or "bad" thoughts...atleast that way, a parent will be able to know their child's train of thought!!!

Indian Homemaker said...

Thanks for giving me this link Coffeeeismypoison. This is a very sad story, even if the man had an accident in the end, it's still very sad. Not the poor girl's fault at all.
I have spoken to kids about all adults, relatives and friends, anyone - has no right to even talk , let alone touch in such a way. This chap knew the situation , this is why they get away with such crimes , because they know we always blame the victim.
And maybe his daughter was also abused, that is how she behaved the way she did??
There's this wonderful book called THE COLOUR PURPLE (by Alice Walker), you will like it, if you have not already read it, it is a positive book, although it begins very sadly, you will find a lot of our Indian culture in it, although it is not set in India.

coffeeismypoison said...

@IHM : Maybe his daughter was abused. maybe by him? They were awfully close. To the extent that he ignored his son, and was a terrible husband and father ... he was besotted with his daughter.
I've not read this book, but i will...Any idea where i can get it? maybe online?
U'll probably be v.pleased to know this is a true story :o) Pleased because it ends well...for the girl in question. Today she is happy...healthy...qualified...has a healthly love and sex life :) [except for the lack of female friends]. Shes fine...thats what makes the story happy :) not his accident.
What I meant was explain to ur kids about same sex molestation. its more common than we realise...

Badz said...

The story sounds so familar and common yet effective. I have heard and read (and watched in TV series) of how children get abused by such people. And it is USUALLY the victim that gets blamed. SAD!

coffeeismypoison said...

@Badz : I know...but...that should only serve to make us aware, of the plight of victims...and protect our children and as many children as we possibly can...from such sick people.