CoVeR mE... a short story.

" Do you have any female friends? At all? ", asked Dr.Sharma, my psychiatrist.
Hmmm.
"No... I've had a few, on and off, more off than on. Its the boys I remain friends steadily with...", I replied.
"why do you imagine that is...?", he persisted.
I'll tell your parents, I'll tell them a lie and they'll hit you if you don't do what I say. Touch me. Here, and here... caress me. Act like you want me. my 6yr old mind failed to comprehend the why and wherefore of her demands. It did not matter anyway.

I did not reply.
"something to think about then isn't it?",he ended.
"Indeed."
I knew my parents wouldn't listen, but I thought I should try them out anyway. But they didn't, because I couldn't explain why She would lie to them, why she would want me to get a beating. I was too ashamed.
and now, I can't stop seeing the shadows. In my dreams, In reality. They smother me.

As I left the hospital with my mother, she, as usual, launched in to a barrage of questions... "What did He say?Did you tell Him about your temper and instability?Ask him how to control it...tell me what he said?"
"nothing and lots of things. " I did not elaborate further... I was always quiet following my analysis sessions. Thoughtful. You're the reason I've been running in and out of Psychiatric hospitals for the past 6yrs. He thinks so too. All the shrinks did. But I can't tell you that. I love you too much to hurt you. Plus... you did the best you could. however, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” Benjamin Franklin

After we got home, I had my usual soothing cup of coffee, as a treat, I put milk and sugar instead of the usual black with sugar free I opted for when alertness was required. When I was supposed to study. Well I was supposed to study even now, but I knew I would not. I could not. I would be busy thinking about what we talked about in those 45 minutes. I guess Dr.Sharma had foreseen this, which would explain his cautioning me not to worry about studies but to focus on getting better,"hard work", He said...
"You mean like studying? ", I asked like a type A personality person.
"ha ha ha...No.forget studies and PG for a bit, I'm sure you will manage that hurdle when it comes, I want you to focus on therapy.ok? ", He cautioned.
hmm.
I started getting anxious as the weekends approached, every weekend. They were all close family friend you know. She came every weekend. Ever since she had hit puberty she had started making me suffer the consequences. She was 6yrs older than me. I had no clue as to what kind of insane pleasure being touched all over by someone who loathed it. But then, how would she know? Her eyes were always shut... perhaps, she used to imagine someone else.

I mused over what Dr.Sharma had asked me. He was right. How come I had never noticed it, I barely had any friends... certainly no reliable girl friends. I never went drinking or clubbing with them, never had pajama parties with them, no long conversations over the phone.
I had had a female friend or two... but no one lasted long and I always found, I was never really myself with any of them. Which was odd... because when in a mixed group I was always myself... with males,I was myself... but with girls, I couldn't be. Its not that I didn't try... I did. But the end of every friendship with a female, was a a relief. And the sadness that came along with it... was far too temporary to be sincere.

Sometimes girls touch each other, while talking... just casually place a hand on each other's forearm, shoulder ... I hated it when any girl touched me. I cringed, sometimes visibly... not that anyone caught on, as I usually pretended it was the weather... too hot or too cold as per the season. Sometimes girls hug... certainly they are more comfortable hugging each other than hugging non boyfriend males. For me it was the opposite, from as far back as I can remember. I could never get it.
I remember crying... I felt quite alone, who would I talk to. who would understand... who would not scold me? She has a brother why can't she fucking use him? Or some other friend of hers? not my fault not my fault not my fault.

I blew on the coffee. I know caffeine is a stimulant, but it always calms me down... the sweetness and the bitterness... both together... they soothe me. Such is life isn't it? sweet and bitter. Hell, I can open the floodgates far more quickly over a hot cuppa cappuccino than over 10 drinks. after a few drinks the only way you'll know I have drunk was when I started dropping the finger foods.

I needed friends. So far, my boyfriend of 3yrs was my only real friend! I did get lonely... Google, my bitch, was a better friend than most girls I knew... but i needed time. And I had to chase away the shadows...
10years later, we were fucking neighbours. But it was not as bad as I imagined it would be. I was absorbed with adjusting to the neighbourhood and to the new school I rarely went over to visit. Besides we had a swimming pool in the building... I was an excellent swimmer... I couldn't wait to hit the pool every afternoon. She was a terrible swimmer... She could barely stay afloat. Her father was the only one in their family who knew how to swim having learnt in his village pond. I used to compete with him...I'd outstrip him easily.

The next time I went to Dr.Sharma, I wondered if I should tell him... before he starts to believe I'm wierd. Well, he probably does that already doesn't he ducks? But tell him I did... I could swear I've yet to see someone more stunned... His voice broke when he spoke to me...
"that must have been a painful experience... you must have felt helpless...", he eventually said.
"haha... Look at you!! you are reacting? This is biggg I got a reaction from a shrink...", watching him made me laugh...
"You use humor too much, how will you ever deal with this? unless you feel it....?", he wondered out loud, I felt.
"I don't know that I can...Sir.But I will try."

one afternoon her father was in the pool. I took a shallow dive in and he came to catch me. Not that he needed to, I was a good diver, but catch me he did... as i was straightening out and catching my breath, I felt his hands on my breasts. maybe its a mistake... an accident. but then I turned... I will never forget that ugly leer. and the shadows, they don't stop coming. I didn't tell anyone then either, such close family friends, since I was a baby. Didn't want to cause problems... they were our neighbours now... besides... maybe they wouldn't believe me. again.

chase away the shadows...how how how...if only Google would give me some answers...
I never slept peacefully. Either I had trouble falling asleep or maintaining it. sometimes I woke up screaming... unsure of why.
Who could I talk to.
When would they stop judging.
I needed blind faith in this.

grow up.grow up.they can't hurt you anymore, not unless you let them... nothing can... not she her father or anyone else. shes married and has a baby. Her father was in an accident, is bankrupt and n deep debt. terrible person i maybe... All I could think when I was told about the accident and the other tragedies... I felt avenged, On NO level, not for an instant... did i feel sorry for him. I wished him worse luck. I always did...

I was ok. I would be fine. They couldn't hurt me... I turned on the lights.

Chase away the shadows... all I did was turn on the lights... Within and Outside... just turn on the lights.

HoPe...

AnYwAy...

all our lives,
we plan and pray
things may not work out
we dream,anyway.

look at the divorces,
loves taken a backseat
more 'me',less 'us',
we wed,anyway.

we hold our pets,
too close to our hearts
eventually they die,
we love them,anyway.

we study hard,
burn the midnight oil,
we may fail exams,
we try our best, anyway.

lifes often hard,
putting a foot forward,
waking up some mornings,
don't seem worth the discomfort.

in those hard times,
it picks us up,
it never leaves us,
not until we let it so.

its hope it is,
that makes us
live,
anyway.