For the Children Of alchoholics.

Of late, there have been around me, increasing stories of alchoholics and their marriages to ordinary, naive, stupid, smitten women who don't have an ounce of common sense. Maybe their brains cease to function and that is why they cannot see beyond these smooth talking people.

My better half pointed out to me, that generally I'm a tolerant, polite, nice person who tries her hardest to see and show the best in people, Even in people I dislike. He and I were both surprised and stunned at my vehemence regarding alchoholics and addicts. He is against them being involved with a family member too...but not as violently as I am. He asked me if they weren't human? Didn't they too deserve happiness? A family?

I was baffled at my intolerance. After many, many conversations regarding this topic it turned out there was a damn good reason for my anger at addicts.

In my psychiatry posting in college, I admitted many addicts. Not one of these came of their own accord. Not one Admitted to a problem. Half of them had undergone deaddiction programmes before and currently relapsed, half of the rest were new and the other half referred from another hospital. Ask any of them the standard question of "what seems to be the problem that brought you here?" and there was a standard reply, " Nothing. These people think I have a problem, I'm totally fine."

These people were their family. Wives, children, parents, relatives. Who had seen enough and tolerated enough and tried enough on their own. Beaten up wives and messed up children. Broken homes, broken hearts, shattered souls
An estimated 6.6 million children under the age of 18 years live in households with at least one alcoholic parent. For more alchoholism related statistics go here.

They are human beings. No doubt. But they are ill. Ill in a way that, 95% of the time, they cannot help. Literally cannot help. Addiction is a sickness. Even a drop of alchohol after a Deaddiction programme, is enough for a relapse. They cannot help it, they don't know how to stop.

And while that doesn't make Alchoholics and addicts less human, they are still adults. It is their problem. If another man/woman falls in love with them, believes their claims which range as follows :

I only drink occasionally now.
Even one peg goes straight to my head and makes me drunk.
I have strong will power.
I will stop it for you.
I have stopped because of you.
Beer doesn't do anything.
I will change after marriage.
It's only because i'm lonely.
and etc.

...if other men/women are stupid enough to believe them because they are lonely, they want to feel loved, or feel they can "save" an addict or the addict is otherwise handsome/beautiful/charming/rich/qualified/smart etc...if these people are blinded in infatuation so much so they are willing to marry these addicts and live with them thats ok too.

What is not ok then?

It's not ok, when these people, this couple, decides to have children.
They have no right...when they are so messed and unsure of their own selves...that they don't know when they will relapse next...they have no right to bring innocent children into this world.
Two adults getting married is by choice. They can undo it, get divorced if the addict turns into a beater or abuser or relapses.
But children do not get a choice. They do not get to choose the family they are born into. They have to live with the consequences, with an addict as a parent.
The world is hard enough to live in as it is. Even with normal, well balanced parents...it is a hard life. Imagine how much worse it is with one or more parent who is messed up. Who are unstable themselves. How can they provide any semblance of stability for their kids?

To read about the suffering of children of addicts and alchoholics please go here.
http://alcoholism.about.com/library/blnapsi021222.htm

Children are innocent and extremely sensitive creatures. They are dependent on us, their parents. To give birth to one, to make a baby, another human life...is an enormous responsibility. A grave responsibilty. A decision that cannot be taken in a giggly, romantic moment. Carelessly. They trust us with their lives.

How can we betray them by bringing them into this world when we are so messed up ourselves? When we cannot guarantee that we won't touch a drop of booze or snort a line of coke or shoot something up our arms.

If a woman marries someone who is an alchoholic/ex alchoholic/relapsed/addict/ex addict/someone making smooth but probably false promises/still trying to recover/ etc etc...just for her own selfish reasons, imagined love or infatuation, then they have successfully taken the first step towards being a terrible mother.

If an addict, a known addict, even an ex addict with relapses etc, agrees to father a child...he is on his way to becoming a bad father.

The children of addicts don't respect their parents. Either of them. They grow up hostile and insecure among other things. They have a high chance of drug abuse themselves, apart from depression and social issues. They have few friends or many, many friends. They spend their lives dealing with these issues. Female children often end up marrying a man in their alchoholic father's image. In India Divorce is still Taboo. SO what then? They think children will solve the problem. So they reproduce.

Read more about the whole issue here.

There are no guarantees in life. Normal people may become addicts after marriage.
But tell me something...
Isn't there a huge difference, between choosing to marry someone you KNOW has a problem and marrying someone whose problems you know nothing of. After marriage their issues may come as a shocker.
But to knowingly "jump into a well?"...
How can a person do that?

The adults I don't give a damn about. They deserve their fate, they made their choices. But their unborn or soon to be born kids have no say whatsoever. They wouldn't make such a lousy choice. One that will fuck up the rest of their lives.

More about alchoholic's kids here.

Addicts are experts at deception. Experts. Smooth liars. They have to be. It's upto you to be wary.



Afterword: It makes my heart and mind sick. And since I couldn't sleep thinking about this, I blogged. And cried. For all those little children. The huge gap between posts was because I couldn't bring myself to write anything else. I had to get this out. I don't mean to offend anyone. I admire the addicts who remain clean. I know the courage it takes. Not everyone can do it. Thats the trouble.

CrAviNg CoFfEe...

My mom insists I'm addicted to coffee. I used to have around 4-5 cups of the beautiful brew in black daily. Sometimes more, if I had to study. But ever since i started this new job 10 days ago, I have been so exhausted I can't even muster the strength to make me a cuppa java. I've only had 5 cups in the past 10 days.

Upon hearing this my parents immediately expressed their delight and decided to give me more tips on how to stop drinking coffee. They're not alone in doing so. Many people give useless and more importantly, unwanted advice on quitting coffee.

Imagine their surprise when I coolly imform them I am not interested in quitting my "addiction". I love my cup of coffee. I love the bitter sweetness and musings in a cup. I love almost everything about a delicious cup of coffee. And I know how much to have so as not to get sick. Or gastritis!

We all sometimes feel the need for something, call it a crutch if you will, to help us get by life. For all those times when we find ourselves not brimming with natural endorphins and optimism? For all those times life tries to get us down [ several times a day sometimes.] we have something. A pick me up. Who is to say whose is harmful whose is safe? I'm not talking about big things like alchohol or drugs....not things which can ruin one's life in an obvious manner.

The other tiny addictions which we often fit into out daily routine in such a way that we don't even realise how much we need them, until our routine is upset in some way. It could be our family. Or a TV show that makes us laugh or gasp in horror [K-serials.], or several or few cups off tea or coffee, or our better half, or a few phone calls and conversations to friends to vent. For some it could be an intense round of sex or even pot. A cigarette on the balcony. Daily exercise. Love, even.

All of these in excess are harmful.

But no one advises us to quit them.

Apparently now coffee makes one hallucinate. Well, you're going to have to quit your Doctor because your doctor isn't going to quit his/her coffee! It keeps most of us on the go. That or tea. Or money.

Think about it, before you offer up unwelcome advice to someone else. Whats your addiction? And is it such a bad thing? If it helps soften the sharp corners life has to offer sometimes...?