Rom Com’s = Relationship malfunction.

Of late, a lot of people have been coming up with articles, which if the movie industry were to take seriously, would spell the end of infinite chick flicks better known as “Romantic Comedies” or Rom Com’s.

Yeah, those things can be pretty fatal to a relationship. Even the most sensible of girls can be induced to believe that the things shown in these movies ACTUALLY happen. After a few glasses of wine/breezers, no one in the world seems as amazing as that fella who just seems to be willing to sacrifice everything for “the one”. Their jobs, their bank balance, their self respect, their ego and sometimes even their sanity!

It’s odd how much can be fitted into 90 minutes...it’s all just crammed in there, the meeting, the understanding, the magical whirlwind romance, the falling in true love, the misunderstand and the sudden realisation- usually by the guy- of his follies and the most fantastical attempts to make up.

No wonder girls in real life are frustrated! I mean, you can be with a guy for years and years just waiting...for something romantic, no correcting, waiting for magic to happen...and it doesn’t...do you know why? Because there’s no such thing as real magic...it’s all about optical illusion.

In real life, guys don’t make childhood dreams of going to the “prom” come true.

Nor do they tattoo their girlfriend’s names on their arms for the world to see. Ok maybe Saif Ali Khan did it, but let’s face it; he can afford to pay for laser or plastic surgery to have it erased at a later date if required.

They also don’t cook foreign cuisines or bake cheesecakes and serve them with wine to a girlfriend just to give her a break. Nikhil makes me tea sometimes and I’m impressed enough with that.

[One time I was really sick with fever and cough, he cooked me magi, coffee and brought home a comedy to watch just so I’d feel pampered. Oh no wait, he knew I hate maggi so he got top ramen and I know he looooves butter maggi so I’d ordered maggi and butter from the grocery. I thought it was cute, the mutual thoughtfulness. He cooked and served and fed me and though I couldn’t eat much, I felt really pampered. He even bought medicines, and gave them to me with water. He took Google down for a really long walk so I wouldn’t have to be bothered and could just rest. He left me some petty cash so I wouldn’t have to get up and go to the ATM.]

My mom and all the family friend aunties and female relatives who are married-old and young- all say the same thing. When a husband is ill, wives wait on them hand and foot, give them tea infinite times, and soup and their medicines in their hands, make special dishes to please them, cover them up with warm blankets and in general make sure they don’t have to get up off their butts. And when the wives are ill, the thoughtful and intelligent husbands say, “you really should see a doctor or at least take some medicine for that fever/cold & cough/headache/backache/anasarca/congestive cardiac failure/pregnancy mood fluctuations/PMS/epileptic fit...okay that’s taking it too far.”

Chooo chweet of them husbands innit?

No one really sends dozens of expensive, long stemmed red roses internationally, not unless they’re using cash as toilet paper. [Forgive the crudity]

Or giant freaking teddy bears.

Or cheesy but sweet gold rings with each other’s names entwined.

Or plan secret romantic getaways.

Or plan secret romantic anything’s really...! It’s usually the girls who do that stuff.

I’ve taken a lot of flights. Since the age of 1yr I’ve been flying internationally and domestically. On a plane naturally, I’m in no position to be uplifted aerobically. And in all these years, I’ve yet to see a guy running past security to catch the girl who is leaving forever and ever to America [usually...or else to the end of the world.]...and who is stopped by mere declarations of deepest love or by a song or two or by a moment of “eye contact.”

Geez I can never believe these chicks that let go of an international flight ticket...costing like thousands of bucks. Ok so he loves you, he’ll still love you if you go, have a fun trip, get an education and then return! Why waste a Daddy given opportunity to see the world?

The point is these rom coms put unrealistic pressure on relationships...guys expect their girls to be that “hot” and girls expect them to be that sensitive.

Guys: Those girls are more often than not, anorexic. That’s not good.

Girls: those aren’t real guys. Those are just screenplay writers who’re paid thousand of bucks to come up with romantic SAP!

The sad, unfair, ironical part?

The few guys, who are romantic, waste it on girls who play hard to get, who have no respect for flowers or feelings! [If you knew the number of times my heart broke seeing huge bouquets of flowers dumped outside girl’s rooms in the hostel. I’ve never had flowers delivered to my room or left at the reception where all the other girls would oooh and ahhh over who Sweta’s admirer could be?] These chicks would parade their flowers/cards/love letters and then unceremoniously dump the guys and the stuff both...once everyone knew that they were in demand that is.

I feel awfully sorry for these guys. They are so sensitive...they go all out in expressing their feelings be it in words, or cards or songs or radio broadcasts or newspaper declarations or gifts...only to be rejected. Not all of them. In a perfectly cheesy world, this stuff works.

Oops...got to go, Nikhil’s just landed on my roof in a ... oh my God! In a helicopter...and oh wow...he’s leaning out of it in a tux with a bowtie and a long stemmed red rose between his teeth!! Probably come to surprise me and whisk me off to Europe and far, far away from examinations! Can’t miss this people...so see ya later!