old and wise...

today i went to work in an old age home,u know,the kind wherein the inmates have rich,spoilt kids who live abroad n send their Petty change to keep their parents in old age homes,as far away as possible.

maybe their intentions aren't so bad.maybe their parents don't wish to leave their own old country,as wish to die there.but cant live alone and so their kids decide the best option is to put then in a home...with other ppl their age,so they wont b lonely and will get adequate care.

these ppl,the ones i met today,were not.they were sad their kids had "abandoned" them.most of their spouses had passed away a while ago and since in India the concept of marriages during old age is not yet accepted,most of these ppl have no one to really share the remainder of their life with and we all know how it can get so lonely sometimes.well,one lady was crying thinking of her dead husband,who had died 40yrs back.n her 2 daughters were in Bombay and didn't Care for her.

another lady,as i was examining her,kept talking about her 10 children.yep,10.she said no on had time to bother abt her cos they were all busy fighting over the 10acres of land she and her husband had bequeathed them.she said to me, " don't ever have 10 kids if u have 10acres of land.they each get only 1 acre and that's not worth splitting land over.and ud think one of them would take care of u but they wont.they'll ask u to go live somewhere else,they will push u onto their other siblings but they wont take care of u.will u talk to ur mother like that...??will u??"

no...i said.no way.
and i wont.
parents are the worlds best ppl.they give birth to u,they take care of u,they clean ur crap and piss,hold ur puke if u do it accidentally...u get the idea.they'realways there for u in any n every way they can b,financially,emotionally...u know.

they don't understand u,they wont see eye to eye with u,they will never see the sense in ur clothes,they will always wonder where they money they give u goes,they will never approve of ur boyfriend,they will never b happy if u wanna live with them[the bf.],the will yell if u don't study...they will question ur every action.
they will eventually drive u crazy
.u will not b able to live peacefully with them once uve lived alone...
but its all cos they love u and never want anything bad to happen to u...no matter how strong adverse circumstances may make u,they dont not want u to learn the hard way...which is y tehy try to protect u as long as they live really.
and this is how u repay them?
all they want,all anyone wants in life is to b with the people they love,especially wen u know ur lifes not gonna b for much longer.

this is how u repay them for their years of sacrifice and care?really?how can u sleep at nite?
i know i couldn't.

its different if its what they want.in india most ppl dont.

sometimes words are not enough...

u cant spend ur whole day by the phone waiting for someone to call.
u cant keep waiting for someone else to make u feel special and important.
u cant make someone love u just the way u are.
u cant expect someone not to try to change u.
u cant expect them to stick by ur side even if u refuse to change.
u cant leave them.
u cant force them to think about u as much as much as u think about them.
u cant expect to be among their top priorities.
u cant expect them to b as foolish as u.
u cant expect them to notice when somethings wrong with u.
u cant expect time to be taken out from ppls busy busy schedule for u,even if it is the last time ull b speakin to them for quite awhile.
u must not expect these things.
u must not delude urself into believing u r someone special or important for other ppl.
u must not expect to b tolerated.
u cannot b urself,in front of ANY person.
ppl will leave u.
no matter what ppl say,no one likes the truth.and no one will stand the truth.
no matter what

and a huffing and puffing we shall go...!

so,this is the "n"th time im 're-trying' to lose my excessive blubber.im fed up really.i lose tons of weight,get excited and eat heartily and then have to try relosing it alll over again.ugh.disgusting.i wish,rarely,that things wudnt taste so gud...then there wud b no temptation,n then dieting wouldnt b sucha struggle!oh and working out,lets not forget that.i prefer swimming over any other activity really,cos im a v.graceful swimmer plus u just cant fall in water!n i get loads of compliments wen i swim.if im walking or jogging,im usually the slowest among scores of ppl and i look [according to nikhil,who insists its absurdly cute-like a rolling football :o/].not the look i was trying out for dude.in water,i look great!u cant c me!!
the only trouble wen swimmin is,i catch a damn cold everytime i go swimming thus deblitating me for days to come n providing me with an excuse to laze.not good.

ever noticed that wen something,no matter wat,is forbidden to u,or is bad for u...it appears irresistible?blieve me i know.wen im not a diet,all i wanna do is eat,n eat.so,its most of the time for me then.n eat what?all kindsa junk.not normal everyday food,no,crap!

another thing is...wen ur fat and working out,i front of other lean ppl...theres always at least one person who passes a mean comment and u really cant do anything cos all he did was call u fat in a mean manner and u cant even disagree.really puts me out n i usually return from my walk crying.i know,im a sissy.

n of late,im starting to feel like a real failure,someone pathetic who cant even control her own senses and body.n its not a nice feelings.no,it makes me feel like crap.so i decided im gonna do something abt it.yea,u know,the real reason ppl who r fat are so is cos thats wat they think,all day long "im so fat!" n the reason thin ppl r so is cos all they think is 'im so hot.'..so,im gonna think thin.eat well.n swim.[i will have to take a pill but i think itll b worth it.]n then lessee shall we?
i made a vow 4yrs back,wen i out on weight,that i wudnt wear jeans till i lost weight,n now im tired of crappy clothes.really i am.so wish me luck and will power i reallly need it!
:o)

when love fades...its our fault.

Dedicated to my parents n my friend Nikhil,cos u like me the way i am...

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."

n im not talkin abt romantic love alone...but others,probably just as precious to us,except at the time we will not realise its meaning in our life.however,sadly,we do realise and we do undergo a mental flashback wherein we wonder what went wrong.It wud've bin better had we never recalled the past.

Real love hurts;
Real love makes you totally vulnerable and open;
Real love will take you far beyond yourself;
Therefore real love will devastate you.
If love does not shatter you,
You do not know love...

n that is so true.ive loved a lot of ppl in my life so far.worse ive loved and lost a lot.and it hurts so bad.whether the person ur losing is a friend or otherwise a romantic involvement.it hurts just as much albeit in a different manner.why?why do we allow this?i know for my [art,i do not try to solve the problem knowingly.mostly since i have the feelings,in general,that im to blame for everything,n thats bin the way it is since i was a lil kid n evennow,every arguement i enter,i leave it with a feeling that im to blame.which is why i prefer to avoid confrontations of any sort.i hate them cos they make me hate myself.who wants to hate themself?
so u c,i get lonely sometimes,no...often.but ive learned to live with myself,as i am...but...its not necessary to avoid ppl all the time.i just suck at sucking up!my folks n nik r the only ones i dont have to be someone else around....i can speak my mind and be ME around them,even if it causes trouble.

thats rare,which is why,i dont really notice or feel deeply the lack of 'friends'.
thanks u guys.

sniffety sniff!

Sniff sniff,honk honk,wipe wipe...ugh dontcha just hate a common cold?it can make fatal illnesses appear funny.n theres not much relief,unless uve consumed one of those anti histaminics and are in La-La land,which is not possible during the day cos ive to work n not possible at night cos i cant afford to oversleep next morning :o( ud think ur bosses wud hear ur sore throat begging[no,rasping] for mercy without actually saying the words,theyd hear ur sniffling and see ur nose which is peeling and threatening to detach itself from ur countenance...ud think they'd notice and say "oh u poor dear,there r plenty of interns now!u can take off if u want,were wont mark u absent,we know ur leaves are over."

huh.sure,when the earth is finally proved to b flat,perhaps my fantasy will turn into reality.and every1 will say..."oh wow,gosh aren't u lucky?uve the best bosses!".
come to think of it,i've never heard anyone say that,ever.nothing more than my boss is ok.not bad.i know id feel guilty as sin if a worker of mine was workin sick.id probably send him home with lozenges or make him hot bubbling soup and tuck him into bed.maybe turn on a cartoon for him.but then id b the best boss :oD so itd not b a new thing for me...
ugh i hate rhinitis.i hate the freaking viruses which leave u in such a mess.u cant breathe thru ur nose,ur mouth always dry,ur eyes r dull,u cant work out cos you cant breathe...u cant sleep at nite cos u feel wretched and u cant hold conversations with normal ppl cos they're just dot geddin wat ur tryin to say...partly.
wen ur sick,n theres no one around to pamper u,u feel awful.

my dream 'home'...

Has any1 ever dreamt of having a dream home?oh i'll bet every1 has,n have made intricate plans for it too...its just not possible not to've done so.wat wud b earning all those big bucks for?why mortgages n rents n elaborate construction plans? :o)
my dream home is a lil old cottage with a garden big enough for my dogs n other assorted animals...with a cute painted fence...wid graffiti.[yea i like the idea of being expressive,so sue me.] and a small fish pond...with my turtles and another pond for my fish...both would b covered obviously,else the damned crows would devour them sooner than u cud say "shoo!"... no kennels,but a hugeeeeeee self made doggie barn.v.clean of course with water n toys always n food at meal times...

flowers...roses,the real ones with the sweet scent...in all possible colors..and bright cheerful daisies also in various colors...money plants ;o)...for gud luck,bamboo...the feng shui ones...in my fishpond...cos turtles eat or damage plants...n every evening the flowers would smell oh so sweet...:o)

inside...the hall...with maybe a tv with an lcd screen.a decent hometheatre system on which i cud watch movies downloaded on my pc,which wud b situated in a corner of the hall...the dining table would b a round one,in the garden...and a foldable one indoors...
an entire wall along the corridor would b devoted to my books,all kinds of them...and the shelves would lead and end in the roomiest part of the passage,a square vault,wherein would b strategically placed a cane chair with cushions and a beanbag with a tiny coffee table in between em...there would b a window on one side of the chairs,for good reading light...a stack of magazines would rest atop the table or window sill.there would b place to sit upon the sill and enjoy the scenery...while the more literary cud read n sip coffee as they pleased...:oD i know its my fave occupation...

my bedroom...a queen sized bed with the cosiest mattress ive even laid myself on,fat fluffy pillows,my soft toys,a bolster,and best of all...a warm cozy huge n heavy quilt...the side tables would have reading lamps,naturally,and would have room enuf to hold the lamp,a book,a phone,water,vaseline...n my glasses...and there wud b a switch for regulating the fan/ac/lights...so once im tucked in i dont have to get up ;o)

the guest room...another queens bed,similar features,magazines,a mini tv,a fone,special soap n towels n pics in the loo...spare brushes n paste...u know...hotel style...mini bottles filled with shampoo n shower gel...

my loo...circular tub...so i cud lie back...maybe sip a drink [no,i dont drink but...the pictures nice n ive wanted to try it out.],lots of bubble bath.a shower,a wave thinggamajig,jacuzzi style...an mini waterfall...away from the toilet and bidet...
different flavors of toothpaste,so i can switch depending upon my moods in the am...same applies for shower gels and shampoos.scentwise.loads of waterproof stickers of the lil mermaid,flounder,the lobster,fishes,bubbles etc...

my kitchen wud have lots of shelves of ingredients categorized,id have cookbooks wherein id alter the recipes to suit my taste but get the essence of the dishes...my fridge wuud b situated there,dark blue in color,normal size.there wud b lots of coffee,my coffee machine too...sugar free,olive oil,veggies,fruits,grains,cereals,milk,bread n butter...sugar free ice cream...sweets for lil kids...my pet foods...cleaning liquids n dishes.a chair for someone to sit n chat while i work...a microwave,an oven too :o) a steamer....n u know...the usual....

but most of all,my home wud b a place where i cud just b myself,however i wanted to live id live n no one wud temme not to do this or to do that...where i wud go to have a nice satisfying time with myself...where id b glad to invite ppl n play hostess...where i cud keep all d wildlife i wanted to,where the dogs wud come first,b4 the guests?[tempting.wrt an unwelcome person.]

where i wud just b who i am n not who ppl want me to b.me,sweta,the wierdo [and proud!]

tooo many Deltas!

So,i was in the primary health centre today,tryin to help out those with limited means n sick kids,wen i started shivering.i wiped my runny nose and cleared my throat and signalled to my supervisor for a timeout...tired of the sniffling sounds he gladly agreed :)
This was the 2nd cold i was havin in a month.n ur not supposed to have 2 colds a month.as i took a tablet to dry up my excessive secretions,i pondered over the possible causes.only 1 came to mind...too much was changing too fast.
Delta,the greek alphabet u see alongside,is the mathematical symbol for change...
I dont like changes,n i especially dislike rapid changes.even if i am the one makin them.for instance,as of rite now the following is changing:

1. my community medicine posting entails that i go to a different place everyday!
2. my internships about to come to an end.in less than a month
3. i will be shifting my place of residence
4. to a place known for its busy traffic,street smart people and extremes of temperature.[the latter is something ive not had to face much.also somethin i find intolerable.]
5. i will b living with my mother.
6. i will be studying.
7. i will b attending special classes.
8. my caffeine intake will be monitored by my aforesaid mom.
9. i will not b able to talk with my bf as n wen n for how long i want to.not cos of mom,but myself n studies,and a bit of mom too.
10. the place im movin to is a huge but empty flat.its cold,bare n im not sure im gonna b allowed to dress it up much.im gonna b told to concentrate on reading.
11. im not gonna have much money as im not gonna b earning a penny that year.
12. i will have to workout every single day
13. i will have to eat a sensible diet
14. i will b losing all my excess weight [yes i know,its great,but to b sloppy sometimes is to b human!]
15. i will not b able to go out whereever n wenever i want to.[im a homeperson anyway,but i ...read on]
16. [wont b allowed to waste time the way i do now.]...i wont allow myself actually.
17. i am gonna keep a pet turtle.
18. maybe pet fish too.except that turtles eat em if theyre slow.
19. and dumb.
20. maybe a pooch.maybe not.
21. have to shift again!i just shifted from my old single rooom to a new double one which ive to share with a roomate,shes gr8,but im just not used to it.havent shared a room in 5yrs+
22. i dont much like the ppl i know in delhi.[dats where im shifting] with a few exception.so i never know how to behave around them.
23. theres not gonnna b 24hr electricity n water supply where i go.
24. ill b practising giving exams again.havent given em for a yr+
25. will b sleeping on foldable cots.

maybe im just complaining,but i realised that these,all of these,are what have bin goin thru my mind in the past month.n im not sure how ill cope with stuff like this.im so nervous n freaked.its a whole delta[sweta's life] n im sure its all gonna turn out ok,since its all bin planned for the betterment of [sweta's life] but that doesnt make me any less nervous...im not a big city,oh sorry,metro type chick.nor am i village chick.im not either,i dont know what i am.suddenly im starting to realise i havent fitted into any of the stereotypes of any of the places ive lived in so far.not as advanced and dubai ppl,not as emotionally void as manipal ppl,not as out of touch as U.P ppl,not as shrewd n self serving as delhi ppl.

wen ppl ask me where i am from,i always reply "thats a bad question to ask,cos u see,i really have no clue."
shudnt we all have a place,a haven to call home?
home is where my folks are.so im not goin home now?cos both my folks r not gonna b there...
home is a place u feel cosy n comfy in.
where to look forward to goin to after a hard day...cos its all urs...where u have pets/ppl waiting for u,eagerly.
does one always have to fit in?